The question we seem to pose to dating people a lot is “Are you ready to get married?”
I struggle with the ramifications of this question. It’s like asking someone if they are ready to jump into the biggest adventure of their lives, soul-connected to another person who will be growing and changing and learning every. single. day from now until the day one of you two dies. To not be selfish, to not get your way, to have someone who does things in a different way from you that all at once is annoying and infuriating and adorable. To choose to love this person for the rest of your tomorrows.
And I feel like the answer people give is a resounding “YES! I’m ready!”
But they aren’t. And I’m not picking on them. I wasn’t either.
And I think it takes a mature person to look at a situation like an eternal soul-bonding union to another person and say “I want to do all of these things. I want to try every day. And I’m ready to start trying.”
To start trying, someone who wants to get married needs to acknowledge that these are HARD things. Marriage is hard.
That certainly doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. On the contrary, people who live together and play house and build a life together without a marriage commitment – that’s scary, unstable, like building a house on shifting sands.
But like anything else that is hard, and requires endurance, there has to be preparation. Lots and lots of preparation.
And because there needs to be LOTS of preparation, there are LOTS of resources. So how do you choose one? Where do you start? And when? Do you have to be engaged to start planning for a successful marriage?
I think learning about a successful marriage should happen before a relationship, during a relationship, before an engagement, during an engagement, before a wedding, and throughout a marriage.
My favorite resources to start planning for a successful marriage are on my Resource Page.
And I have a new one to add to my list.
Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns and Doug Fields is called “a practical road map for your journey together”.
While the back cover says “Congratulations! You’re engaged! Now what?” after reading through the information and going through the charts and lists in the back, this book really takes people from “I could really myself marrying this person” (and frankly, why would you be dating them if you couldn’t?) all the way to wedding ceremony preparations.
These guys take a lot of the popular concepts from the best marriage books and resources and give a good over view and explanation and then move on to another. They cover finances, remarriages, conflict resolution and so much more. And because of the format I think it encourages people to grab a more in-depth book on the topics that they need to learn more about.
What I am bummed that they are missing is what to look for in good pre-marriage counseling. I think when couples sign up for per-marriage counseling they think that it’s all pretty much the same and it’s not. Even the best book can’t take the place of talking through things with a mentor or mentor couple. Be sure to do your research on pre-marriage counseling resources.
I am also bummed that they don’t talk about what God’s plan and design is for marriage and how we grow in marriage. It’s great to know HOW to prepare but it’s also important to know what we’re preparing FOR exactly. (My top picks for those are Visionary Marriage and Sacred Marriage, both on the Resource Page.)
I would suggest picking this book up early in your relationship and reading a chapter ahead of where you are right now. For example, before you go home to spend a weekend with his family, read through the chapter called In-Laws – You Marry the Family. It will help give you things to think about and talk about, especially if you haven’t had this modeled for you.
I’m always glad to find a marriage resource that covers so many topics in such an approachable style.
**I was sent a copy of this book to review by Family Christian Bookstores. The opinions in this review are my own.**
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