It was a few weeks before Christmas. After moving all over Ohio, tradition had become pretty important for the young wife. She had lost quite a bit of it in the moves and the changes in locations. She had loved the family traditions more than she realized when she had them. And she wanted to give her family some too. So early in their marriage, they had decided that even without kids, they would start carving out their family time on holidays so that grandparents and in-laws would be ready when the time came.
But plans don’t always work out perfectly. And work schedules and new jobs change available days and times.
So plans change. And sometimes traditions get put on hold. And stress builds. And hurts swell up out of nowhere. And words get said that are hurtful and disrespectful.
“I know that we’ll be at your mom’s on Christmas Eve, but I want to still have Christmas Eve my way. Can you make that happen?” [Certainly not her words, but her sentiment.]
And even though what the “my way” was wasn’t a bad thing, I didn’t bother to consider anyone else. I was blinded by having it my way. So I guess my husband’s response shouldn’t have really surprised me.
“What about the things we already do over there? That my siblings are used to? Is it more important to have your way than to be with our family?”
More hurts. More resentments swell up. Internal dialogues take the place of external ones.
And then truth starts to break its way in through the pain.
He doesn’t want to hurt you. In fact, he loves you. He is showing you that love by wanting to include you in traditions that have been important to him his whole life. Traditions that he lost when his parents split up. He’s hurting too – hurting for things he can’t get back. Why don’t you go to him? Make it easier on him. Don’t make him split himself. Just go to him.
And went I did. With an apology I wasn’t sure how to say about something I didn’t really understand had gotten so big in such a short amount of time.
“My love, I’m sorry. I can see how my making demands on our holiday plans isn’t helping. We can’t help what your work schedule is this year. I shouldn’t force my traditions on your family. Please forgive me.”
“You have to let me lead.”
“I know. I want to let you lead. It’s really hard though. But I want to respect you as a leader in our family and also with your family. Would you consider incorporating a few of my traditions into the evening so I feel more comfortable? I want to support you as you are the role model in your family.”
“I will try.”
And not only did he try, but he succeeded. He made Christmas Eve beautiful and different and more fun than I could remember in the last few years.
On Christmas Eve, I thanked him for his hard work and dedication to our own growing family.
Proverbs 24:3-4 “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its room are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.”
The best gift I got was my husband telling me that by respecting his family, I showed him how to love and lead ours. Our home is being filled with rare and beautiful treasures – love, respect, traditions, family, and so much more.
I dare you to think about a difficulty you have in visiting your in-laws or your own parents. Think of a way that you can make improve one small piece by acting with respect. And don’t be too hard on yourself – take baby steps and each time you visit, try that one again and try adding another one.
What is something about holidays that is difficult for you in your new family?
shanyns says
What a constant struggle – to keep the holidays for family, and not leave out family. Well said and so encouraging. Holidays are difficult for me because my memories required me to make new traditions with my husband and I cherish those and have a hard time sacrificing them to those who howl louder that theirs need to be heeded more. We are working on it though! 🙂