Here is something I’ve been thinking about. Women love romance. For some of you, that evokes flowers and dancing and sweet-nothings being whispered in your ear. For some of you it’s romantic comedies or Shakespearean sonnets and Disney princesses. For some of you, it’s washing the car, playing with the kids, and going to bed at the same time.
So why the huge differences? I think it has a lot to do with what we are told/shown is love in our culture, and what our men really see as showing love.
Now, I’m not giving our husbands the go ahead to never show love or do romantic things that we like, like the flowers, the chocolates, the chick flicks, etc.
What I’m saying is : maybe instead of expecting or being sad about NOT having those things, finding romance in the things he DOES do.
I am a lover of Christian Frontier historical fiction. Think Love Comes Softly and Redeeming Love. I love the unity and the faith of the people. I love the struggles and the strength. And I love the love stories – some bold and huge, some quiet and normal. But all beautiful.
It was while reading one such book that I started thinking about this notion of romance and how we see it differently than our men. In A Quiet Strength by Janette Oke, a young bride, Virginia, can’t figure out why marriage isn’t absolutely everything she dreamed it would be. And since I LOVE talking to young wives, I knew I would love watching the story unfold.
And more than just watch it unfold, I was amazed at what I found in the pages of Chapter 8. I want to share some exerts with you about how our husbands show us love and romance.
In these quotes, you will see an older sister talking to her younger sister, Virginia. Virginia has just heard an older woman rant about “hitting the stone wall” of marriage and Virginia, who thinks she already has only a few short weeks in, seeks her sister’s counsel.
“We live in a world that demands our time and attention. I think that is even more true for the man than the woman. He is expected to provide a home, make a living, care for the needs of the family. And if he is at all worth his salt, he takes those needs seriously. We need to realize and respect that. “For us, who are more romantic creatures, sometimes we struggle with understanding. With finding the right balance. It is easy to miss the intent and just judge the actions.”
Oke, Janette (2008-09-01). A Quiet Strength (A Prairie Legacy, Book 3) (p. 92). Baker Book Group – A. Kindle Edition.
“I decided, after prayer and tears, to grow up, Virginia.” “Grow up?” “I was acting like a child. Wanting his full attention. His declarations of love. I wanted to be his little princess, I guess. The one he worshiped and adored. Well, life’s not like that. And after thinking it through, I actually wouldn’t want it to be. We aren’t put together in a marriage to stroke each other’s ego. Marriage is a partnership. A blending of two lives. A working together. That’s where the commitment comes in. It’s a determination of the head—not the heart. No, I shouldn’t say it that way. It still involves the heart. It still is based on love, but it’s a new kind of love. A mature love. One that doesn’t ask, ‘What will you do for me?’ but rather, ‘What can I do for you?’ or ‘What can we do for each other?’ It gives meaning to love. To the whole marriage relationship.”
Oke, Janette (2008-09-01). A Quiet Strength (A Prairie Legacy, Book 3) (p. 93). Baker Book Group – A. Kindle Edition.
“Jonathan says that… that what he’s had has been enough to make him happy. He’s perfectly content to work at the farm all day and come home tired at night to a tiny room where we can scarcely turn around.” “Good!”“Good?”“You must be doing something right. Start there.” “I’m not doing anything. Not even cooking his meals.” “Why do you keep coming back to this meal business? Do you think all Jonathan thinks about is food?” “No. I … I guess it’s just… symbolic of caring for him, or something.”
“And do you know what Jonathan sees as symbolic of caring for you? Building your house. Giving you shelter. That’s the expression of his love. And he won’t rest until it’s done. He’s driven to provide for you, Virginia. Until you are in that new home, Jonathan will feel a failure. He’ll feel that he has not expressed his love to you like he should.” Virginia shook her head, tears brimming in her eyes. “Oh boy. If he only knew that I’d trade all the new houses in the world for his time.” “‘Time’ can get a little chilly on a winter’s night. Real love is more practical than that.”
Oke, Janette (2008-09-01). A Quiet Strength (A Prairie Legacy, Book 3) (p. 95). Baker Book Group – A. Kindle Edition.
“No. Only if you let it be a wall. You’ve come to a turning point. A decision-making time. Many couples flounder when the marriage reaches that point. But it’s a decision, Virginia. A choice you get to make. What are you going to do with a real marriage? Not a fairy tale. A real marriage. Are you going to throw your heart and soul into it and, with God’s help, build a happy and stable home with the man you love? Or are you going to retreat, still wanting to be the little princess on an imaginary throne? You can’t have it both ways.” “But I love romance.” “Romance? That’s when true romance begins. That’s when you learn to appreciate romance for what it really is. That’s the real beginning—not the end. You get so busy looking for ways to show love that your whole day becomes one exciting opportunity.” Virginia’s eyes widened, and she stared at her sister. “You still love Troy… like that?” “Still? No, not still. I love Troy more now than I ever have before. More than I ever did when I was going all giddy over his little love notes or our carved initials on a tree.” “But the honeymoon time… ?” “I love him more than that, too. I see him now, carrying in groceries, fixing downspouts, shoveling snow from the walks. I watch him listen to the boys’ evening prayers, see him teach them how to hit a ball. I feel his concern about my tired back at the end of a day as he reaches out to massage away the ache, see in his eyes his love for this new baby—the one he doesn’t even know yet. Those are the things that I love about Troy. Those and many, many more.”
Oke, Janette (2008-09-01). A Quiet Strength (A Prairie Legacy, Book 3) (pp. 96-98). Baker Book Group – A. Kindle Edition.
I know the quotes got lengthy, but there really was a point to them all – men’s love is a little more practical than ours. I would love nothing more than to sit with my husband an get backrubs and talk about whatever pops into my pretty little head, then go to bed at the same time, whispering to each other.
But reality, and practicality say that when he stays up late to run our business so that I can be at home with our kids, THAT’s romance. When he let’s me go to bed while he cleans the kitchen, THAT’s romance. When he picks up Chipotle so I don’t have to cook, THAT’s romance.
Sure, he does pick up flowers from time to time. I usually get a very sweet card on my birthday and mother’s day and our anniversary. Those are romance.
But to discredit how he takes care of me, and the kids, as not being romantic because it’s not MY definition of romance, isn’t fair to him.
Proverbs 3:27 says “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to act.”
Don’t withhold good from your husband when he’s trying to show you love. He’s wired differently than you, and that’s why you love him.
Dare you to share a way that your husband romances you that isn’t the “typical” definition of romance.
trixie1466 says
He calls me on his way home most nights to see if I need anything from the store. He’s always willing to stop if I say I need something. He already has a 1 hour commute in horrible traffic and I know he wants to get home as soon as possible, but he knows I really don’t want to go out again after I get home from work. That’s selflessness and for me that’s romantic.
Leah Heffner says
Trixie1466, Thanks for sharing 🙂
Leah says
Very sweet post. Thank you for sharing. I wonder though.. Your final comment – “Don’t withhold good from your husband when he’s trying to show you love.”
On the contrary, would we withhold good when our spouse isn’t trying to show us love? Or is our love due to him simply because he is our spouse?
Leah Heffner says
Leah, Thanks for commenting. In this case, I was saying to not measure your husband’s intentions based on your own expectations. And I may be wrong, but I believe you are asking if our husband is not treating us well, then we don’t have to treat him well back? I think that God always calls us to respect our husbands, and seek His will for going through the tough times. And should we love our spouse because they are our spouse? Again, God commands us to love each other. I hope that answered what you were asking. -Leah (Hey, our names are the same!)
Leah says
I believe the exact same things. I was just wondering what your perspective was. It’s often much easier to *think* that way than to actually walk it out… but, nonetheless, I know there are many women on the same path as I. 😉
Thanks for answering my question!
Heather says
I agree with this. I do, however, believe that men are often too quick to stop pursuing their wives like they did when they were dating. As wives we are tempted to get fat and really let our appearance go. They are two sides of the same coin, but all we seem to hear about is how much it blesses men for us to be attractive. Well, maybe someone should remind them to do their part to keep the attraction alive. Or maybe they just want duty sex?
Leah Heffner says
Heather, thanks for commenting. I think it can be 2 sides to the same coin. However, I think it’s important to remember that we can only seek God’s will to change ourselves, and pray for our husbands and their relationship with God. I’m glad that you’re here. 🙂 -Leah
Grace2Give says
All of us have food allergies in our home, different ones. My husband is the cook and he makes things for me that I would have to do without if it weren’t for him, like bread and anything sweet or creamy or basically delicious. 🙂 (Almost)
This morning I was memorizing my verses in the living room and he was reading the paper in the dining room so I decided to stop and go visit with him since we wouldn’t see each other at lunch as we normally do. I sat at the table and asked if he’d mind if I sat and visited or if he really wanted to read the paper. He said he didn’t care, his contact was bothering him anyway so he wasn’t getting any of the paper read. Crushing. Not exactly the, I’d like to visit with you encouragement I was looking for. Really? I could have used my time memorizing my verses. But because I want to work on our relationship, and work on togetherness, I stopped to visit with him. I’d like to be met at least half way. But I’m not and usually aren’t, and though it hurt, I swallowed my hurt, smiled and asked about his contact and why it was bothering him. I thought of and brought up topics of conversation for a while and then he left for work. I walked him to the door, kissed him good bye, and tried to get on with my morning. Couldn’t concentrate and had to sit and cry to God for a while. Reminding myself once again that my husband loves me in his way, not mine. Thinking about all the ways he shows me he loves me in his way not mine. Working every day, providing the single income for us, cooking for us (he loves to cook, I love cleanup), being a great handy man (his stress reliever). And that no matter what–God loves me so much. He loved me when I was in rebellion to him and spitting in his face before I was a Christian and he loves me now that I am His beloved child. He is the Creator of everything and He loves me so much He gave His life for me. That’s a lot of love. For that reason, I keep loving my husband. My husband never spits in my face. He never treats me the way I used to treat God. My husband is good and easy to be around even if he just doesn’t have a romantic cell in his body. He’s the strong silent type, though he does tell me he loves me often. There are just none of the other words that I so long to hear, like “come sit by me” or “I’d like to spend time with you” or “can we spend time together” or “you look great” or “you did a great job.” So this post is very appropriate for me today. Thanks for listening to my pity party. I’m trying to focus on what he does do and, where he falls short, to remember how much God loves me, and His love is the most important thing.
Leah Heffner says
Grace2Give, we all have food sensitivities too! I’m going to do a post on that soon! I’m sorry for your struggles. I’m glad you’re here with us. -Leah
Beth R. says
Grace2Give, I know all to well where you are coming from.. right down to the food allergies. My husband too is a strong silent type. He tells me he loves me often, and he will do what needs to be done, but I hear you loud and clear on missing out on those words. My love language is quality time with a dialect of quality conversation.. and my husband isn’t a talker. He doesn’t give those words, or feel that he should speak if he doesn’t have anything to say. He also feels if we are in the same room, even if we are each doing our own thing, that we are spending time together. I too am making an extra effort to focus on what he does do, and to work on what I need to be doing better, and my own relationship with God. ((hugs for you today))
Grace2Give says
Thanks, Beth. I think misery loves company. It always helps to know someone else is in the same boat, although I am sorry because it’s very hard. Words of affirmation are my love language and that’s just not going to happen. It did before we were married. Like a faucet the words, conversation and affirmation, turned off after we were married. I asked him about it one time, the conversation part anyway, and he said we’d talked about everything. After 15 years of marriage God has helped me to see that he is broken, just like I am, hence why I feel the need of affirmation so strongly. I think God gave me my husband so that I can learn to turn to Him for affirmation and not anyone else. Through my marriage I can learn to love unconditionally, dying to myself, and putting his needs before my own. I am very blessed that my husband is a very good man and his love languages are touch (a 9 for me) and quality time (6 for me) so I get those. (Words of affirmation are a 10 for me on the love languages test.) It’s all part of that refining process. Painful but worth it. I will pray for you in your refining. May we both become the wives that God means us to be. Blessings to you.
shanyns says
Leah. I love this. And you got me thinking. So I wrote this to compliment what you shared.
http://mystic-mom.blogspot.ca/2013/09/romance-in-country.html
Leah Heffner says
Shanyn – LOVED your post. Romance is different for every couple! -Leah
shanyns says
Thanks! I’m glad you got over to read it and more glad that you loved it! 🙂
Rebekah says
Appreciate your post very much! I know these things in my head but my intentions and actions don’t align often, especially now having two children under the age of 20 months!
Leah Heffner says
Rebekah – 2 under 20 months – congratulations!
Lorien says
My husband claims he is not very romantic. But he is perfect for me! From a post-it note left on the milk in the fridge to sweet comments left on my facebook wall. (words of affirmation is my love language =) ) These small tokens are huge to me in communicated romance.
Leah Heffner says
Lorien – Thanks for sharing. That’s so great that you know these things about your husband. -Leah
ScottsHelper says
Leah, do you think A Prairie Series would be appropriate for my 14 year old daughter to read? The topics you’ve addressed here, and the excerpts that you shared from the book are the very things I want to teach my daughter. She is only JUST beginning to be interested in thinking about romance, and I don’t want to push her into thinking too much about these things, or “stir up” romantic thoughts by having her read these books, but if they would help instill in her a godly view of the importance of putting the Lord first above our husbands, and seeking mature, sacrificial love, rather than fleeting gushy emotions, then these stories might be beneficial. Any thoughts? Thanks! 🙂
Leah Heffner says
Well first ScottsHelper, to ANYONE I would recommend starting with the Love Comes Softly series since it is where the family starts. As far as recommendations for your 14 year old daughter, I hesitate to do that. 14 year olds can be so varying in what they can handle. I have not read the whole Prairie Series because I’m on hold from my library. The series show two things that are different about love than our society. 1 is courting – the idea of calling on a woman in her family’s home to get to know her and her family. 2 is the age at which they are marrying (they don’t come right out and say numbers) but they start talking about being ready to start thinking that way in the 14 15 range and marry between 17 and 19. So those are things to keep in mind. They are easy reads if you wanted to pick up a couple on your own first. Hopes this helps.
ScottsHelper says
Yes, that greatly helps! Thank you, Leah! I think I will wait awhile for these!
maria says
My husband opens the car door for me. Always. And carries the groceries or anything else he deems too heavy for me. He also kisses my forehead before leaving for work or going to sleep. (Lips too, but somehow the kiss on the forehead seems so protective a gesture, I had to mention it.)
Thanks for this post. It really is extremely important to value what our husbands give us and not focus on what they do not.
melindatodd says
Really, really well said. My husband is one to never sit still. He is always doing something. And I realized years ago, I could be annoyed with him for not spending time with me or I could get to it and work WITH him. I also realized how important it is to him to be working FOR me. He has the biggest serving heart I’ve ever met. He does more than most husbands just because he wants to do it for me! I loved the line, “I decided, after prayer and tears, to grow up, Virginia.” Indeed. Thanks for the encouragement to look beyond being a “princess” and being doted over in a worldly sense. Very much appreciated this post.