We’ve all heard the expression “setting up house” for a newly married couple. Walls are painted. Knick-knacks are lovingly placed on shelves. Pictures are hung. Everything is just perfect for their first home.
But more importantly in a new marriage than “setting up house” is “setting up a home”. The environment, the habits, the interactions – are all laying the foundation for this home that will grow out of this marriage.
And where do we want to live in that home? As wives, we might feel like we live in the kitchen or laundry room, performing some of the household chores. But we certainly aren’t confined there. I am all over my house every day doing different things, or relaxing, or taking the longest 10 minute shower I can manage. In my home, I am my husband’s helper. I am a mother. I have many roles and parts in the home we are building.
So where do our husbands live? Ideally, they live with us in this home we’ve built, right? Maybe the rooms they frequent aren’t the same as the rooms we frequent, but we live together and interact and enjoy one another’s company.
So why do so many men seem to be living on the corner of their roof?
Huh? Leah, what are you talking about?
Proverbs 21:9 – “Better to live on a corner of the roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”
Proverbs 25:24 – “Better to live on a corner of the roof, that with a nagging wife.”
Two times in Proverbs, we find very similar pieces of wisdom. Twice. God must really want us to pay attention to how we interact with our husbands.
With all the attention that we pay to setting up house, we sometimes forget that we are setting up a home, a home in which we want our husbands to live, with us, not away from us.
Let’s face it – our husbands are not always going to do everything our way, in our time frame, to our exact (often, unspoken) expectations. We have two choices – we can be a nagging and quarrelsome wife, nit-picking everything he does and doesn’t do. Or we can encourage, uplift, trust, and respect him enough to let him do it in his own way at his own pace.
Does this mean he may not need gentle reminders? He may. But “Honey, could you try to get the grass mowed before my parents come to visit” is probably more effective than “Haven’t you got that grass mowed yet? I’ve asked you like 10 times!”
So, I dare you to think of a situation in which you really nag your husband. Go to him and ask for forgiveness. Then, try to go an entire day without nagging him. Instead, each time you feel impatience growing, ask God to change your expectations for the situation.
What are some of the biggest things you nag about? Why do you think nagging is so common in women? How has God been speaking to you about your expectations?
shanyns says
I think it is partially cultural – we are taught to treat our men like children, or that we have to nag them. The gossip and cut down culture is very hard to fight when you are building a respectful home and marriage. When we fight the culture though we find victory at home! I could tell you stories girl 🙂
Leah Heffner says
I could not agree more with the cultural comment. Thanks Shanyn.
Laurie says
I’ve become more and more old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I have no issue with the verse “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands,” as I believe that the husband should be the head of the household. Granted, I’m not married, nor do I live with my boyfriend (I disagree with living together before marriage), but viewing marriages and relationships around me, perhaps it is wrong to say, and I could get a lot of hate with this, but women have received too much power, I think. I have no problem with women working, as I assume one day I will have to work too, but at the same time, we need to keep the proper mentality – we need to respect our husbands. Hopefully that makes sense.
Leah Heffner says
Laurie, I think what we have to remember, old fashioned or not, is that the directive “Wives, submit to your husbands” comes from God. Our relationship with God should be our priority. As we listen to what He has to say, we will learn more about respect and submission and how that works in our marriages. Thanks for being here.
Laurie says
Thanks Leah. I have just discovered your blog, as well as the Peaceful Wife’s blog. So far I’ve enjoyed reading the advice that yourself and the peaceful wife offer for marriages, as I find I can apply it to my own relationship with my boyfriend. I’d definitely like to find out more on what your thoughts are on relationships today.
Leah Heffner says
Laurie, come along for the ride! It will be fun to discover what God’s word has to say. I’m also toying with doing a pre-marriage series (after the baby is born) and looking at how we learn about respect before we get married.Glad that God God brought you here to learn with us.
Kimber says
In a similar vein to Shanyn, the culture not only tells us to treat men like children, but that they are needing to be “fixed.” That somehow them doing things or perceiving things differently (as God made them to) is wrong or bad or broken.
Leah Heffner says
Kimber, I was actually thinking about the “fixing” sentiment today myself. Funny that you should mention that. Can’t wait till I post on that to see what people have to say… 🙂 Yes, reflecting a different part of God’s character only makes them different, not wrong or bad or broken. Just complementary to us – if we choose to take the time to see it that way.