I think we can all acknowledge that we don’t know everything about motherhood. How we go about getting the resources we need looks differently for each of : perhaps you are a ravenous online researcher, a book consumer, a popular opinion poll seeker. Regardless of how you prefer to get your info, one thing I can pretty much guarantee is that from the word “baby” people will have advice for you – from what you can and can’t eat, from what the baby can and can’t eat, to sleep, to clothes, to products, to, well, everything. It would take you no time at all to be lost in a sea of baby advice on Pinterest alone.
While we need to seek wise and godly counsel from women who have walked both ahead of us and are at the same stage of life as us, we also need to guard ourselves against the lies that will creep in about our abilities as a mother and how we judge other who mother differently than us.
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Millie and Carrie had plans to meet and talk and just get out of the house for a little bit. Of course Millie was going to be late, so she called Carrie to cancel.
When Carrie answered the phone, she was obviously upset. Millie decided it was better to not cancel and go and talk to her friend about what was upsetting her.
“She thinks I’m a bad mother. She tries to force her parenting style on me when we are at their house. She steam rolls me and makes me do things her way. I feel like she thinks I’m not capable of getting this right with my kids. What am I supposed to do? I like meeting with her but she doesn’t listen to me.”
Millie felt bad for her friend. She could imagine the hurt of someone close to her not thinking she was good enough as a mother. Why do women do this to each other? she thought. Why does one way have to be better than another? Why can’t we encourage and build up and give advice if it’s asked for but not push our way as better than someone else’s?
Millie listened to her friend and asked her questions about the interaction for a while before needing to head home. Carrie was upset and hurt, no doubt about that.
But Millie couldn’t help thinking that her friend was mostly upset, thinking that others only saw weaknesses instead of strengths in her mothering.
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Advice is a tough subject. Tuesday, I talked about realizing that other adults really need to grant us permission to enter their world and give advice. If we are always dishing advice without regard for the relationship, there really won’t be anyone left to give our wealth of knowledge to.
There are two things that stand out to me in this story.
One is that Carrie’s other friend not only gives advice but believes she is right enough to strong-arm people into doing things her way.
The other is Carrie’s deep need to know that as a mother, she is successful.
First, let me tell you how sick-to-death I am about “mommy wars” and “anti mommy wars” and “is this really what the feminists fought for so we could just end up fighting each other?” ENOUGH.
As Titus 2, Proverbs 21, and 1 Peter 3 women we need to just STOP. We need to take the opportunity to look around us at our circle of influence and uplift and encourage. Is anyone else going to mother EXACTLY like we do? Nope. Is that the worst thing in the world? Nope. As long as her children as safe and loved, who are we to say exactly what that looks like as far as discipline, potty training, feeding, sleeping, or whatever.
If another mother comes to us for advice, we have the opportunity to approach the situation with humility. “Well this may not work for you, but something that really worked for me is…” “O well when we started doing solid foods we did xyz. What were you thinking about doing?” “I’m flattered that you’d like my opinion on your baby registry. I’d love to hear what kind of things you’d like to get. I can only give feedback on products I’ve used.”
Our way doesn’t have to be the best way. Obviously, if it is our chosen way, we believe it is the best. But those same ways won’t necessarily work for someone else. Our experiences, our journey, what we are learning, and how God is growing us right now and over the course of our parenting are HUGE indicators in how others will choose to parent. That’s beautiful and a great opportunity to see how faith will grow and mature.
The other part of this that is so important is to seize the opportunity to encourage a friend. If you are friends with this person, you obviously see admirable qualities and characteristics in her that you hope will rub off on you in some way. So tell her. You don’t have to be all mushy-gushy. Just give her some truth. She needs it. We all know that when we are in the muck of mothering, that sometimes we just need to hear that we have value. You could be that person.
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Bottom Line: When we steam roll someone with our opinions about their mothering, we are making a judgment about them and condemning them to be “less than” us. Be aware and intentional in your relationships, encouraging and uplifting whenever possible.
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Luke 6:37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
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I dare you today to find a mom in your circle of influence and encourage her. Let her know she’s doing a good job. Be specific if you can. And don’t expect anything in return. Just be happy to plant the seed.
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What do you think? How do tend to judge other moms in how we give advice? Would you share in the comments?
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Be sure to check out The Respect Dare blogging team – Nina, author of The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband and Debbie, especially for parents of teens, tweens, and twenty-somethings, and you can subscribe to me in the sidebar. And connect with me on twitter @LeahHeffner and on faceboook on The Respect Dare community page.
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Erin says
I definitely agree Leah! Thank you for your helpful articles.I have just come across your website and the Respect Dare, two very helpful gifts. Thank YOU!
Leah Heffner says
Erin, I am so glad you have found us! I’m so glad you are joining in! Keep it up! Leah
Kimber says
I appreciate the reminder to encourage moms. I try to do it at intervals, but sometimes it’s not a focus as much as it should be. Once I had a conversation with a mom of a boy with special needs. She wasn’t just spent she was beyond her wit’s end with him. And the doctors. And was sharing that they had more appointments to come. And I said, “wow. Thanks for being the kind of mom who won’t give up on her son. I know you’re tired. I know it’s hard. But he sees that you aren’t going any where and that you want his life to be the best it can be and so do I. Not all moms would be willing to do that for their kids.” I should really encourage her again. And many many others.
Speaking of which, Leah, you are an awesome mom. I’m not just saying that. It’s evident in all you do. You spend your life pouring into your kids. You make them homemade delicious, organic, fermented, and kale-tastic food. Your daughter doesn’t even know what a hamburger bun is for goodness’ sake. You play with them and invite them into everything you do so they can learn the world through you. Not to mention your kid knows Jesus better than any toddler I’ve ever met which really matters most of all. Keep rockin’ it. And thanks for sharing your advice.;)
Leah Heffner says
Kimber, you are awesome because you made up the word “kale-tastic” for me. This is not an obligatory comment back. I’m psyched about the word. -Leah
Kimber says
I thought you’d like that.