This is maybe one of my favorite dares. As I recall from doing this three years ago for the first time, I went something like “*gasp* I DO that. I SO do that. I will stop doing that.” And then when I gave the book to my husband as a gift, and he flipped through the pages he said something like “Wow, I’ve noticed that how you talk to me and about me has changed and I really feel respected by that.”
Well, that was enough for me and I really wanted to watch how I talked about him and how I reacted to him especially when other people were around.
This has led to a lot of thoughts.
Like this post on not saying NOT nice things. But that really isn’t the whole story. Simply not being mean isn’t being nice.
Or this post on how I talk about my husband in front of my cutie kids (this is what I call them and my daughter thinks it’s AWESOME).
But today when I started working on this I thought of three things. And they are very different but equally important.
One is the amazing ripple effect of influence you are able to have when speaking highly of your husband even in the most tense of situations. Yes, saying nothing is better than saying something unkind but being able to lift up your husband is even more powerful.
I recently witnessed a family as they spent some time together. Everyone was pretty worn out and the husband laid down on the chair to take a nap without saying anything. The wife was really busy and didn’t notice until the baby started screaming and she asked him to help her out. He snapped about needing a nap. She very patiently washed her hands and told him to take his nap and went and got the baby herself.
Her mother-in-law was there and asked her how she had done it. The MIL said that had that happened to her, she would be very offended, her feelings would be hurt, and she would snap back.
The daughter-in-law smiled as she explained that recently she and her husband had discussed that the best way for them to not take things personally would be to understand that even if they didn’t go a perfect job at communicating something that they really had each other’s best interest at heart. She was aware that she was being watched and that she could have a positive impact on how everyone in the room thought about choosing their attitude in a tough situation.
So while her husband snapped at her, instead of snapping back, she chose to see that he was communicating his need for rest and decided to have a positive attitude about the situation.
I’m sure this was not an easy task. But later, when I asked her about it, she said it was easy in that moment because she knew that her mother-in-law and the others watching would see her reaction and so she could choose to be respectful or disrespectful. And whether she knew it or not, the ripple effect went really far into all of the people in the room.
This woman was a Titus 2 woman right in her own home. She also showed characteristics of a Proverbs 31 woman. And she chose an attitude of respect and joy instead of being angry or bitter.
Also, it is important to sort out “husband bashing” from being transparent about marriage. I find that with people I am closest with, sometimes I will say things about my husband which bother me.
So what’s the difference? Well one, I think it has to come from a place of maturity. Am I complaining or commenting to bring him down? Or am I speaking truth? Is it soaked in emotion and negative words? Or is it short and factual to show how you can relate to the person you are talking to or seek advice and counsel from them? I can’t answer these questions for you. What I can say is that if husband-bashing is a problem for you, I would think long and hard about any thing that looks like husband-bashing and definitely pray about the best way to communicate issues.
And consider you audience. If you are with a wife who has been husband-bashing, is this the time to talk about an issue at your house? I don’t think so. I’m no professional, but I think it’d be a lot easier for you to end up saying something unkind than it would be for her to say “wow, I wish I said my complaints like that”.
Part of knowing your audience is knowing who you can be transparent with. If you are with a mentor, mentee, or close friend, then it is probably a great opportunity to practice this skill and get good and godly counsel.
And if it turns into a husband-bashing session, stop it in its tracks. Ask for forgiveness, and keep asking God for how to do it.
The other thing I keep thinking is from what Nina mentioned yesterday about getting one aspect right – that of not publicly husband-bashing – but turning that to something negative – like judging the women who are husband-bashing. This is an easy and slippery slope. You are now friend-bashing because you see the problem. And instead of leading by example or asking them to think of something wonderful about their husband (for example) you start judging the person.
This can be tough because the woman may not be sinning against you so how do you approach it? How do you spend time with her? How do you set an example? Do you say something? Do you let it go? I don’t know. I don’t think every situation and every relationship has a “one right answer”. Be aware of how you are speaking and thinking about others.
A lot of thoughts today that I think all come back to this verse.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
So what do you think? How easy is it to go from husband-bashing to friend/family-bashing? How can you influence others around you? How can you be transparent without bashing? DARE YOU TO SHARE IN THE COMMENTS!
Once I was riding in the car with a couple friends of mine and learned a really important lesson. The other female and I were “venting” about someone we knew that was frustrating us. The male in the car set a great example in listening but as soon as it turned into bashing (or as soon as he could get a word in edge-wise). He then said “that’s a fair complaint. Now think of 5 things you like about them or ways they’ve blessed you.” We did. But somehow we circled back to more “but also” complaints. Each time more complaints were added about that person you have to think of 5 positives to counteract each negative…5:1. I learned an important lesson that day by his example of how you can change your words (and attitude) about the people closest to you and I’ve tried to continue practicing that years later.
Kimber-
It’s so interesting that you say that! Look what Nina posted yesterday! This 5:1 stuff is for reals.
-Leah
I have an oldest daughter who is SOOOOO much like her father it’s crazy! Needless to say, some of their most intense conflicts arise because of their similarities! She and her dad were in a particularly rough patch and she came to me wanting to let off steam/gain a sympathetic ear/etc. I let her talk and then assured that I so understood where she was coming – for all their similarities, she is a stereotypical girl in many ways! – and then I pointed out the goodwill behind her dad’s less than loving words. Fast forward a few weeks to when hubby and I were in a season of conflict. I got a text message from that same daughter that started with “I know you and dad are in an argument right now and I know you haven’t asked for my opinion, but . . . ” and that little darling went on to parrot my words back to me, reminding me of the good heart behind her father’s actions. Humbling?! Yes. But I was thrilled that she heard me. (P.S. She’s 22 and we’ve worked hard to start interacting with her as an adult, not a child so she has been given freedom to approach us respectfully if she sees us doing something that is unloving/ungodly/disrespectful).
moj8668-
When my 2 year old parrots what I say, I crack up and am amazed at the mirror in my face. So cool to see it in your 22 yr old as well!
-Leah
For me, I never say a negative word about my husband unless it can be used as a positive thing. For example when working with wives struggling in their marriages, I might share something that happened in mine and how I handled it, how I would have preferred to handle it, or how I should have handled it.
I have very few people (not really any) in my world that would offer me Godly advice on any marriage situation I’m going through so I find it best to just focus on the positive. Also, there seems to always be enough bashing going around and I prefer to offer the positive in the midst of negative. It’s definitely not because I’m immune to marriage problems. Quite the opposite! But, I typically ask myself if it falls in the Ephesians 4:29 category then ask if it could harm my hubby’s reputation either spiritually or even professionally and I usually ask him permission. It’s quite a process so rarely I find a need to speak anything but positive things about him.
In the less Sunday school answer, if I start to dwell too long in the negative, I start to focus on it. I can quickly become the old angry, bitter wife that i was just a little over a year ago. I didn’t like her. I don’t like her and she made my household a miserable place to be.
I find that I tend to talk a lot less these days lol!
Jennifer-
I also have a problem with dwelling on the negative! This has been a big shift in my thinking lately. And I am really enjoying the new outlook. Thanks so much for your “Sunday school” answer and your other answer. HA!
-Leah