If you are following along, we’re about halfway through The Respect Dare. If you are keeping up, awesome. If you have already finished, I hope this is giving you and an opportunity to get a bit of a refresher. And if you haven’t started yet, you can still get the book and catch up. Seriously. We’re doing one dare a week on each of the blogs. For some people that might feel like a snails pace, but i know for others, the demands of life make it nice to take it really slow. I just know it can be a challenge to keep the momentum when it’s 40 weeks. No worries, we’ll be here all along the way.
I say that because I know doing the activities or getting the feedback in the dares can be tricky, especially if you have little people who are ALWAYS hungry, ALWAYS sleepy, ALWAYS whiny, ALWAYS needing something.
I live this. Do I know. I think some conversation is going to be a big deal. And so in my mind I have to be so ready and then it’s not a big deal. Or I passively say something thinking it’s not a big deal or needs to be a big conversation and then it is. This is where we need to exercise the power to take every thought captive.
1 Corinthians 10:5b Take every thought captive to obey Christ
Actions can change and that’s the first step. Then our words. And our minds and hearts will be the last to change. So we must take examine our thoughts.
What does this look like?
Last year in my small group, one of the ladies said it took her days to get Dare 17 done. She could not think of 5 things her husband did in a week that she could affirm, at least not on the surface.
So instead she started with a list of the five most obvious things he did in a week. Whether she liked them or not, the five most obvious things went on the list.
She shared that him going to work every day was the easiest and most obvious one to affirm. But after that, she had a hard time.
The next thing on her list was that he came home from work and sat in his chair. She thought about all of the ways this drove her crazy. There was stuff laying around the chair leftover from snacks. He was watching TV. He was not engaged with the kids. He was not helping with dinner.
But…
She searched until she found a positive. He had a really stressful job. He worked long and hard hours, with lots of driving. So she took her thoughts captive and chose to see the positive – he knew what he needed at the end of the day, and after he had some time to himself, he did engage with the kids and help with dishes. He was able to relax in a way that refreshed him. So she clung to that as she made her list.
She did this three more times.
She decided to see what was true. What was admirable about her husband.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
I think we can look at a situation based on a spectrum.
In this situation, we have the ability at one end of the spectrum to look at his actions and judge his motives negatively. To say that he didn’t care about the kids, dinner, her, the house, or anything and let that grow into a huge resentment. The devil loves this by the way. He loves to worm his way in with thoughts like this and make us believe that we know someone else’s motives. So we fume. We yell. We nag. We grow more resentment and discontentment.
At the other end of the spectrum we have the ability to become a doormat. To let this behavior continue without making any changes in ourselves. To just take it and live with it. We could wear a smile on her face but get smaller and smaller inside.
But somewhere in the middle, and the middle looks differently in any marriage, we have the ability to change our attitude and our perception. We can find good in the situation and believe it is true. This may lead us to an ability to truly change our thoughts about it. As this change takes place, a door may open for us to ask for some more help. The change in hour heart may cause our husband to take notice and spur him on to start a conversation with us. The change will have an impact on our children that we may not see for years.
So as you complete Dare 17, it will be easier for some of you than for others, really focus on the only part you can control – your attitude. You, me – we can choose to see good even when it’s hard. And whatever we pay attention to grows.
I’d love for you to share in the comments what you were able to find as a positive in your list, even if it wasn’t obvious at first. Maybe your husband always goes for a run after work and it drives you crazy because it’s another hour he’s not home and you don’t get that alone time. Could you change your thinking to say “He’s taking care of himself to be around longer for our family” and then focus on that when it starts to bug you? What else can you come up with?
This is a fun dare. And I look forward to hearing from you!!
Be sure to check out The Respect Dare blogging team – Nina, author of The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband and Debbie, especially for parents of teens, tweens, and twenty-somethings, and you can subscribe to me in the sidebar. And connect with me on twitter @LeahHeffner and on faceboook on The Respect Dare community page.
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Jim says
Leah, I have a question:
I am recently divorced, and to put it mildly, my wife did not subscribe to what you all teach here.
I would like to one day get remarried, but I would really like to marry someone who DOES subscribe to what you teach here.
Is there a way you can suggest that I could introduce a girl to the Respect Dare website and teaching without it being misinterpreted?
By the way, I plan on living my married life in accordance with “101 Things a Husband Can DO to Show Love to His Wife”. The stuff in that document has really opened my eyes.
Thanks.
Jim
Leah says
Jim-
First, thanks for being here. I have seen you on the facebook page and on Nina’s blog. I can see you are looking around and trying to gain familiarity with what we “do” around here. I’m certainly not a counselor, nor am I an expert in premarriage planning. What I would suggest to you I would suggest to anyone – as you are preparing for marriage, I think it is very important to read both Visionary Marriage by Dr. Rob Rienow and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. VM will help you look at verses on what God intends the covenant of marriage to look like and L&R explains how easy it is to miss-communicate between men and women when we see the world through our colored glasses (pink and blue) meaning that as a wife who speaks love naturally I may be disrespecting my husband without even knowing it. These books will hopefully open the discussion to ways you can each work to do your best as a husband/wife. Of course, The Five Love Languages help a lot (and I wrote a post about that for Thursday!) in specifics for your spouse (to-be).
It’s very hard to hand someone a copy of a book or a blog link and say “Hey you need this” if they aren’t ready to change and looking for support in doing that. As we say a lot, we can only work on our part, the changing of ourselves, and our hearts by God’s grace and pray for the other person. Here is the link to the blog of someone who works with us named Katy who writes from the perspective of divorce. As we are all women, it may not speak to you as much but it certainly may be a nice tool to have at your disposal. http://katys9blessings.wordpress.com/
Heavenly Father, thank you for Jim and his desire to have a marriage that is pleasing to you. I ask God that as you till the soil in his heart, that his desire to know You would grow and grow. Amen.
Jim says
Thank you so much, Leah, for your reply, and for the helpful information you have provided.
I will check out the website (katys9blessings) that you linked to. I’m sure I will find very helpful information there.
The other day I ordered The Five Love Languages Singles Edition. I believe that this will teach me a lot of helpful information.
This morning I found a very helpful verse (Proverbs 19:14): “Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord.” I inherited a house and some money from my dad; but God will provide me a prudent wife. I am very encouraged by this verse.
And thanks for your prayer.
Jim says
Leah, you were right about http://katys9blessings.wordpress.com/.
Thank you very much for pointing me there.
Jim says
Leah, I’ve thought a lot about my original question to you. Here’s what I believe I’ll do with regard to this question.
Prior to getting married, I will live the points on the “101 Things a Husband Can DO to Show Love to His Wife” which are appropriate to a non-married couple. (There are a few such points on there.)
Then, when we are married, I will live the entire list.
Then, after six months, I will print out the list, give it to my wife, explain to her what I’ve been doing, and ask her to tell me the most important points for her on the list. I will then focus on those points.
By my living it before her for six months, and then showing her the list, and then by focusing on what is important to her afterward, she will trust that I am sincere about it, and she will be encouraged to do her part, if she isn’t already.
And I’m quite sure she will be curious about the web page that I got the list from!
What do you think about this idea?
Leah says
Jim-
I think it would be really nice if there was a formula that we could guarantee would work. The most important thing to consider is the person’s dedication to serving the Lord with their life. As anyone follows Him with their whole hearts, He will direct them according to His will.
-Leah
Jim says
What? There are no guarantees? 😉
You’re right. I’m just having a bit of panic, because I got burned really bad the first time around. But I know that God, who is faithful, will be with me during this whole process.
Thanks for your reply.
Jim says
Leah:
I have ordered the two books you recommended, Visionary Marriage and Love and Respect. Thank you for your recommendation.
Jim
Sab :) says
Excellently written, Leah!! You hit the nail right on the head when you wrote about the spectrum. We don’t have to live at either extreme. Things don’t have to be black or whte and nothing in between.
I’m working on this myself, but the first person I can think of when I read about the extremes is my Mom. All her life she has viewed things in the extremes. When she was married to my Dad, she went to and from from each extreme (negative, naggy and building up resentment to quiet, but inside festering). She tells me the stories about how my Dad and her intereacted with one another and I see it so clearly….now. I was only 8 months old when they split…and shortly after (before I could really rememeber things as a kid, we left the country).
Currently, she is having trouble finding the “good” in her daughter in law (my brothers wife) and her son in law (my husband). She fits your examples of looking at motives negatively and causing huge resentment and discontent then switching to “not saying anything,” being quiet and essentially becoming what she probably feels is a doormat.
I wish I could help her with what I’m learning through all this respect journey. Especially in how she judges and interprets soooo much of what my husband does in negative light. In her mind, he has become this monster. She does not see the good (which is a ton) that he does.
The interactions between my husband, Mom and I become very difficult. At times they are loose and fancy free, other times it’s tense and stressful. I feel like I want to control my husband to do what my Mom would want in a situation because I know her well and can interept her pretty good. It’s like he has to do perfectly, exactly what is in her mind of what to do in a situation or she places a tally mark of disapproval on him. “Eeeeh, didn’t do it like I believe it should be done in my world.”
Walking on eggshells around her is not fun, as well as being the person in the middle.
Any thoughts, or directing me towards other sites that could shed light on the son in law/mother in law relationship and what I can do, if anything, would be helpful.
Thanks for letting me share here and thanks in advance for some insight, if you’d like to impart some. 😉
Blessings always