One of major complaints from women is that sometimes they just want to TALK and have someone (their husband) listen to them without getting fixed.
As women tend to go into emotional detail about a situation, men tend to hone in on the problem, and work out a solution, which can cause them to stop listening and go into their own world, all the while the wife is feeling better just by getting it out.
Sure, this is over-simplifying a massive marriage phenomena, but I’m sure you’re at least familiar with the concept.
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I used to talk so much that I don’t think my husband got to offer me very many fixes. I would take a breath at the end of one story and launch right into the next one.
When I realized I was a horrible listener, I started working on being a better listener. But I still wanted my turn to talk. So it came with tons of advice. Good advice. Bad advice. My way. My opinion.
I was “listening” but I wasn’t really hearing what he said or what he needed.
And I know I don’t like being “fixed” so I’m sure he doesn’t either.
So I have mentioned before that I now know how to get my husband talking and that usually means we’re talking future plans, business or entrepreneurial plans. My husband is a processor. A lot of times, I hear a decision in his thinking and he is just processing what the decision will look like. He is not indecisive – he is a very careful decision maker and he always makes good decisions.
The advice part of this dare didn’t really sink in until about a year or so ago. All of the sudden I realized how much advice I was giving. And how much of a normal conversation was filled with advice that someone else – husband, friends, family – didn’t ask for.
Oh.
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So, first I’ll tell you how this looks with other people. I *try* to not just hand out advice to other people. If I am having a conversation with an adult or someone who is becoming an adult, I listen to what they have to say. I repeat back what I hear and ask for clarification. Then, and here’s the hard part – I sit and let it sink in. If I feel like I have something of value to offer them, I again thank them for talking with me and say that I have some ideas of things they could try if they are interested. If they say yes, I share, encourage, and try to follow up. If they say no, I try not to let drive me crazy like the hang nails I tend to rip at till they bleed.
See, I’m not that good at this yet.
And how does it look with my husband?
Well, pretty much the same I guess. Except for a couple things. One is that I include in the conversation that I support whatever decision he makes as he leads our family according to God’s promptings.
I also happily discuss the pros and cons of the situation – in one conversation all pros and another conversation all cons, sometimes totally with his train of thought and sometimes totally on the other side – because I have learned that this is how he wants to process and wants to have a conversation with me. This may not work for you at all. You need to figure out how to have a conversation with your husband.
And it’s getting easier to not just hand out advice to my husband. It’s getting easier in my circle of influence too, but the progress is slower since I don’t have as many conversations with all of those people as I do with my husband.
Maybe by not giving advice you will learn another skill. What if your listening skills got better? Your question asking skills? What if you could offer encouragement? Pray with or for the person while you are standing there?
I think I ask a lot of better questions now. Questions that help people think about their decision. I also am able in my questions to show them a different side of the problem or solution while they still come up with it on their own.
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No, again, I’m not perfect. I hope you see this an encouragement that as you approach this new skill, you will grow in other areas and in other skills. It will take time (going on three years for me) but the skills are always improving. I KNOW they will for you too.
More than anything, your husband wants you to be a safe place, a safe person to talk to. Handing out advice can make people feel small, unintelligent, and not encouraged. Think of how you could build your husband up by approaching the situation as his biggest fan and teammate instead of as someone who knows better than him.
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Awful lot of advice in this blog for someone who said she tries not to give advice without asking first, huh? Well, I thought about that. And I really think that by choosing to be a member of this community, you’re looking for advice on how to do this. I only have my experiences to work off of but I would love to hear about yours. Would you be bold and share about what you are learning as you really listen to what your husband has to say?
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I think this verse applies, again, to how we can improve our listening:
James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak…
Hear quickly. Listen well the first time. Let it sink in. And as you speak, choose words which are uplifting, encouraging, and offer advice with humility.
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Dare you today to stop before giving advice. Is there a way to encourage instead? Ask more questions? Develop the conversation? Will you try it? And report back here! I’d love to hear about it!
Be sure to check out The Respect Dare blogging team – Nina, author of The Respect Dare: 40 Days to a Deeper Connection with God and Your Husband
and Debbie, especially for parents of teens, tweens, and twenty-somethings, and you can subscribe to me in the sidebar. And connect with me on twitter @LeahHeffner and on faceboook on The Respect Dare community page.
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