“I can’t believe the advice she gave in Dare 33,” she thought, closing up her book for the night. “She just sat there in the cold and froze so her husband could learn a lesson? I don’t think I could do that.”
She weathered her lip as she thought the times that she hadn’t done that – in big and small ways. She always felt like she was helping, but was just jumping in and doing something that he had let the ball drop on helping? Or was it enabling? Didn’t that make her more like his mother and less like his wife?
She thought about some of the chores around the house that she had just started picking up his slack on. And how he had just stopped trying, leaving her with more work. She thought about the things that he took on as his responsibility and how when she did them instead, instead of being psyched about the help, he sometimes was upset that she had done them for him.
“Alright. I need to make a change. When I see him, I will apologize for things that I’ve done that aren’t mine to do. And then I will let my actions speak louder than my words as I back off things that he wants and needs to own. There will be an adjustment period for sure but I think this will be really good.”
Did you know that one of the biggest needs of that man’s heart is to save the day and rescue the fair maiden and that one of the biggest needs of a woman’s heart is to be rescued – not because she’s not capable but because then she can see that she’s a treasure?
This is according to John and Stasi Eldredge, the authors of Wild at Heart and Captivating which, through their own longings and desired, as well as through building a ministry on the topic have concluded that God created the male and female hearts to be complementary. [And if you like research and surveys to back that stuff up, I recommend For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.]
Wait one second. I need to emphasize something. Imagine me standing on the rooftop of the tallest building in your town with a bullhorn.
God, the creator of the Universe, created Man and Woman in HIS image to be complementary to one another in the truest longings of their hearts.
Does that look the same in my marriage as in your marriage? Of course not. How my husband and my hearts are brought together varies slightly from those of you and your husband.
None the less, I have no doubt that you, as a woman, want to be rescued, saved, swept off your feet by your knight in shining armor.
And, I have no doubt that your husband, as a man, wants to be the sweeper, riding in on his white horse, saving the day and you.
Even if that means paying the electric bill. Or buying the right kind of diapers at the grocery store. Or going on an epic quest for your favorite kind of ice cream.
And you know what girls, we have to be able to pull our hands off the control panel to let him do that.
Listen, I know it’s hard. Sometimes so insanely hard to let something go that we could just take care of for him so that it got done when it needed to, how it needed to, and so there was no argument.
But let’s be honest – some days I want nothing more than for my husband to come home and offer to get take out for dinner. Or already have it in his hands. Or to give me a kiss and send me straight out the door with my laptop and money for coffee and tell me he’ll cover bed time. [Be careful not to make these expectations, see Dare 1
It’s like anything else though: I can’t have my cake and eat it too.
I can’t undercut his manhood by following him around and not letting him be accountable for actions and consequences – like not paying the electric bill in the story from The Respect Dare 33 – and still expect him to save the day and be my prince charming.
Yeah, that’s a two way street. If I want knight, I have to treat the one I have like a knight. And that means letting go and realizing he will have his own way of doing things.
I’m certainly not saying they will always be right. I mean, I hurt for the woman in the story with the power off. If I had to watch my babies shiver in the winter, you can bet I’d have a hard time .
But most guys are a touch-the-burner-to-see-if-it’s-hot-then-touch-it-again-and-see-if-it’s-still-hot kind of guys. I see this in my son at 1 year old. He falls and bonks his head, cries, then does the same thing again. Why? Because he wants to figure out how to do the thing he wants to do without it hurting.
Our husbands have that in their brains too. They want to do it their way and see and react to the consequences they’ve set in front of themselves.
And that needs to happen. [I hesitate to use this phrase, but…] We need to let that happen.
Let the water get shut off.
Have him hold the baby wearing the wrong size diaper.
Enjoy the extra ice cream that’s being stocked in your freezer.
Let him learn in his way.
It will have a greater impact on his long-term learning than any amount of nagging, passive aggressive comments, doing it for him, yelling, or anything else will.
Hebrews 12:14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
What do you think about this dare? Where do you think it falls on the easy-to-hard scale? Would you share in the comments?
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