Expectations for Little Hearts

Almost as soon as we announced we were pregnant with baby #2, I started getting advice on having a second baby. My favorite bit of advice came in the form of a trickle – every time I saw a certain person, she was sure to let me know the differences between her first second kid. I assured her that I knew that babies are different. But she kept bringing up all the weird things that her second kid did. I thanked her but I told my husband “She knows we’re having A second kid, not HER second kid, right?”

My first baby, my first pregnancy, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how it would feel or how I would feel. Or what it would be like. Or what my kid would be like. But I didn’t really worry about it. That’s a lie. I probably worried about it all the time. But I don’t remember now really so I’m going to say I didn’t worry. I didn’t worry about it. I just figured we’d figure it out. I mean, I read a lot of books – on babies, on parenting – and I had theories – like I didn’t want a thumb-sucker.

But my daughter was born. They showed me how to swaddle her at the hospital. She slept like a dream in that swaddle. I remember waking her up to feed her. The week I went back to work, she pretty much started sleeping through the night. I wasn’t home with her during the day but the reports that I got told me that she took really good naps. She was on a perfect schedule – not like she had a choice with me working – and she was a super great temperament and the only time she cried was in the car and then she screamed and screamed some more.

I’m not going to lie – I was “that” mom. Or at least I was well on my way to becoming “that” mom. You know who I mean – Super Mom with her cloth diapers and her home made baby food and her great sleeper and her cute little outfits and her great schedule and her….. I think you get my drift.

I don’t think I even knew I was becoming that mom. Not really. I struggled when people talked about their kids not sleeping or not eating because I had a solution. I knew what worked. I knew what it should look like.

So baby #2, I was ready.

Or I thought I was. I should have taken the hint when pregnancy #2 was really nothing like pregnancy #1 that this baby wanted to make his own special mark on the world.

The first night in the hospital, I swaddled him when he started to cry. I knew it was ticket to get him to stop crying. Swaddle wrapped and laid him down, it took about 3 minutes for him to kick out and continue screaming his little lungs out. So I wrapped the swaddle again. Same result. And since I’m a slow learner, I wrapped it again. I’m now drawing attention from the entire maternity floor for this screaming I am allowing to come forth from my new baby.

And then it hit me, the reality that this little baby wasn’t very much like his sister at all.

I know it sounds silly, but in my head, while I KNEW that they would be different, I didn’t EXPECT it to play out like it did. This fussy little baby who cried all the time and had to be held, was this totally different person to me. He ate frequently instead of for long stretches and never really slept for more than a couple hours and that took so much work. I didn’t sleep for almost four weeks because he had to be held. And the swaddle never happened but we had to pin his legs down with a pillow during his naps. And a million other things.

The expectations I had came from my experience as a parent. Right or wrong. And it’s easy to look at that and say I was/am comparing them, but I don’t think it was that.

Expectations.

Yep. I’m talking about those again, just like I did in this post. Only now I’m talking about my kids.

I expect my little guy to act like his sister. I expect my daughter to keep it together and not have those moments of being Oh-so-very-2. I expect my son to take a certain nap and but he always surprises. I expect bed time to look a certain way.

Oh so many expectations.

And I know that these expectations will follow them all along the way of life which is why I am so thankful to have friends like Debbie walking ahead of me and being transparent through her own parenting journey.

As small children, we need to have some expectations for our children. We need to give them rules and structure and chores and a safe place to play and do life.

But we also need to acknowledge that they are small, small kids. Our expectations need to not only be realistic for them but also needs to include things that are normal for their age group and ability levels.

For our small kiddos, this applies to rules, behavior, the time we leave to do stuff, dinner plans, how we keep our homes, and really most of the things we do with them.

Our expectations and our rules are also an opportunity to show grace to our children – by loving and respecting them where they while also gently guiding them.

Man, this is a hard line to walk. When do we do which?

Seek God. I know they are little and it’s hard to find time, but I encourage you try to be in the Word. Even for a few minutes.

And seek godly counsel. There are parents doing what you’re doing at the same place in parenting, just ahead of you, and years ahead of you. They are all awesome resources. And as it says in Proverbs 19:20-21 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Also, check your motives. Which expectations are necessary? Which ones aren’t? Is this the best way to handle this situation? Am I being unrealistic? And lots more. There are so many books on this topic but on of my favorites is Visionary Family for parenting and God’s vision for your family and Making Room for God in Your Hectic Life to help you prioritize and realize expectations and motives.

We can and should have expectations for our children. But how we give out those expectations to them is also so important.

Dare you today to make a list of the expectations you have for your small child(ren) and look at what’s working and what isn’t and then seek God, godly counsel, and check your motives.

Would you share your thoughts on expectations for little ones either here or on our Facebook page?

-Leah

 

Are you enjoying this series as we blog through The Respect Dare? You can check out the whole series here. We’re doing all 40 dares! So grab your copy and join us!