Jordan and Tammy are pregnant with their first child. While they are so joyful at the pregnancy and the blessing of a new baby, there are some difficulties during pregnancy that pop up every once in a while. Mood swings. Fatigue. Fear and stress.
So after a long and frustrating week at work, Jordan came home Friday night and made dinner. It was his gesture, his way to show love.
Tammy didn’t feel love from this gesture. She felt stress. Now she had to clean the kitchen. Why couldn’t he just understand that what she needed when she was this stressed and tired was a night off – completely off – no dishes, no cooking, no nothing?
Unfortunately, a lot of our disappointments in marriage come from unspoken expectations.
Was it wrong for Tammy to want to go out for dinner? No. The problem lies in the expectations, which she didn’t voice, to her husband.
The problem with expectations is that they give us an inaccurate and false sense of what “should” happen, and when that doesn’t, we are often disappointed, hurt, or angry.
If it is not common for your husband to suggest going out to dinner, don’t suddenly expect that he will without telling him, respectfully, that that’s what you would like to do. The conversation could go something like this:
Wife – “Hey honey. How’s your day going? Did that meeting go well?” (This appeals him to through being willing to listen and be his friend. It also communicates to him that what he has mentioned to you in the past is worth remembering.)
Husband – “The meeting was better than I expected. The rest of my day has been pretty normal. How’s your day going?”
Wife – “I’ve had a rough day over here. Someone called in sick at work leaving me with their workload and I’m way behind. I won’t make it home until 6 instead of 4.” (This appeals to him because you have told him your problem but not agonized over every detail. And you have left him open to “be the hero”.)
Husband – “That’s terrible. What can I do to help?” (Note: if he doesn’t ask this, appeal to him in a way that still respects his manhood, something like the next line would probably work.)
Wife – “It would be very helpful to me to not have to worry about dinner. I won’t be home in time to make anything decent and I don’t want you to have to worry about it, so let’s eat out. I checked our budget and it’s ok with what set aside this month. Would that be ok with you?” (This appeals to him because you directly asked him for help. Men love to be the “hero” or fix a problem. You also aren’t giving him something else for his to-do list with making dinner. And by respecting the budget, whether you both work or not, you are communicating that your finances are a priority, something that whether he vocalizes or not, he worries about.)
Husband – “Yes, let’s go out. I think it will make both of us less stressed.”
Sometimes we get so caught up with the conversation we think we will have or the conversation we wish we could have or the expectations that we have, that we forget just how easy it can be to ask for what we want and what we truly need from our husbands.
Proverbs 12:18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
If this is not something you have ever tried before, a great first step is to actively work on not having expectations. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s a freeing exercise. Instead of thinking “Man, wouldn’t it be great if my husband did xyz all on his own without my telling him, as if he could read my mind” (which he can’t), try this.
Once you are free of the expectations which are the real disappointment (not your husband), you will likely learn to be more thankful and joyful at the things he is doing everyday – taking out the trash, doing dishes, shoveling snow, whatever.
And you’ll find that your feelings aren’t so easily hurt by what you have already decided he should just know.
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Dare you today to think of expectations you can shed. And then pray. Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray that God will help you get past these expectations and be thankful and joyful with the wonderful things your husband already does. Then pray that God will give you right words to speak when you would like something specific and special from your man.
What’s an expectation that you have learned to let go of? Would you share with us?
Mandi Santiago says
Grins. That one’s a classic. Every mothers day will be rounds and rounds of cleaning up the kids attempts at blueberry pancakes, later we add being a willing vict- I mean doting mother for the paper hats, and wilted carnation corsages that the schools put us through, requiring days off even from just the household basics regardless of the daily fire fight, mobbed school hallways, distant parking lots and being a human pack mule as you carry out the thirty something pages and projects, purse and children’s backpacks slung over your shoulders, keys held in your teeth and your child dancing 25 feet ahead of you chasing butterflies and telling you to hurry up. I joke that bells don’t jingle on holidays, that’s the sound of ovaries in action. The workload is intense.
Another alternative I’d like to point out is that we need to be flexible in our expectations of OURSELVES. Boil over is going to happen. How we deal with the mess is the big choice. Even if she asked, there was a very real chance that he could have said no, I’m not up to going out tonight. I’ll make something and we’re back to examining what to do when things don’t go as we’d like them to. Creating a script in which the only reasonable alternative is the one we want isn’t always going to work.
I think in this situation, I might advise the young wife to meditate on being grateful. Sometimes we need to ignore the messy kitchen and remind ourselves that we live our lives cleaning up behind the experiences we have in life. This isn’t the first or last time the kitchen will be a mess. It wont even be the hardest one to clean. Focusing on the mess completely overlooks the goodwill of the other party. Dare I say, it’s a case of taking your tired out on another person unfairly.
Putting everything to order is not always going to be the priority. Fight the good fight and walk away from the stuff that a day, a week, a month from now isn’t even going to be a blip on the radar. So the dishes sat in the sink until you felt well enough to deal with them. So the counters didn’t get wiped down until a full day later. Again, not a big deal in this world of foreclosures, repossessions and layoffs. Throw away the resentment and remind yourself how blessed you are to have a mess to clean up and a family to make messes for you. If you can’t feel the love, walk away from the mess until you can. Be kind to yourself when faced with your limitations. Some days it’s not all going to get done.
Being a mom is largely about discernment. Knowing where the line between the necessary and the valuable is and finding the balance.
Pregnancy hormones are their own kind of insanity. Take it with a grain of salt, put your feet up and wait out the freak outs. What remains when you are fed, clean and not under pressure has the most likely chance of being the real ‘you’ peeking out from under the hormonal crazy. 😀
Lynette says
Wow beautifully written loved it!! And Mandi great point. I agree so much with what you wrote. It shows that youve experienced much yet have learned. God bless you both and fill you up with more and more Wisdom,Dicernment,patience and so much LOVE