We were driving to his parents house for Thanksgiving break. We had been dating for about 9 months. We were giving his little brother and his little brother’s best friend a ride home. They were first year education majors, still in awe and wonderment of the education system, ready to change the world and be super heroes. I was doing my student teaching and had gone through many phases of work and disillusionment about the whole profession, including considering just changing my major in the middle of my senior year.
They had a big project to do over break and I had done the same project for the same professor three short years earlier so they were asking for my feedback on their revolutionary ideas to change education. I scoffed at their naivete. They countered with fresh knowledge. What started out as a discussion seeking friendly feedback and encouragement, quickly turned into me vs. them.
I hate being wrong. And I hate when people don’t listen to my obvious rightness in a discussion.
So there we were, driving down the highway to go spend time together for the holiday and we’re yelling. Ok, mostly I’m yelling. There were two of them and they obviously couldn’t hear me or they would agree with me because I was sooooooo right in all of my opinions and knowledge.
That was a long 2 hours home. It was a long weekend with tension. My (now) husband sat awkwardly as the three of us, err, discussed a profession he wasn’t a part of. He reached for my hand, touched my leg, tried to change the subject – all to no avail.
He just wanted his brother and I to get along.
I smile as I write this. This was Thanksgiving five years ago and these two guys are two of the people I’m most looking forward to spending some time with over the holiday. Our relationship has grown and we really enjoy each other’s company, having conversations, and just hanging out. I actually just recounted this story as we shared a long drive together.
Plus, I really enjoy this memory. This specific event has taught me a lot. But mostly, it has taught me that I fight dirty.
Over the five years I have known my husband, we have commented on this event. Every time it comes up, my cheeks get red. I try to defend myself, my rightness.
But my husband put it so succinctly once: If you were in a debate and you were losing, you would stop at nothing to win. Sometimes when we argue, you go right for the throat and say something like “well, your mother doesn’t love you!” ensuring your victory.
Ouch. And you know what, he was right! I would find any way to win – even if it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.
But this has made me reflect a lot and I love this verse from Proverbs.
Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin;
whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
Even as I was learning about respecting my husband just for being my husband, I was learning that the principles of respect apply to all people in our lives.
I still love a good debate. I still hate being wrong. But it’s different. I don’t want to fight for the sake of fighting. I don’t want to win at the expense of someone else’s feelings. And I don’t want to belittle anyone.
What is your throat-shot in a fight? Are you still using it? What motivates you to do that? Would you share with us below?
Dare you today to think back to the discussions, debates, and fights that you have, especially with your husband. How can you express yourself without belittling the other person and making them feel like they don’t matter?
Kimber says
In a counseling session once the social worker said “you have to decide whether it’s me verses you or it’s us verses the issue.” In that moment and even now I think of my basketball days when you get caught in the moment of trying to rip the ball away from someone and eventually hear the coach screaming “same team!!” in hopes that you will realize you don’t need to fight for the jumb ball, you need to work together. I’m more of a “flighter” than a “fighter”…but to the extreme. I avoid conflict before it arises, after it arises and even in the middle of an argument all I can think about is how to get out whether it be through distraction, diversion or sometimes I just pray that God will give me a freak and sudden illness. Maybe if I just go back on any value system I ever had to get them to stop being mad? Maybe if I tell a joke? Maybe if I give them enough time, they’ll forget? I will avoid conflict at just about ANY cost. But I think this isn’t fair either, really. How are we ever supposed to resolve anything if I won’t stick around long enough to talk things out? Or worse yet, never show up in the first place? God’s continuing to bring to mind the “coach” screaming “same team” so I’m reminded that TOGETHER we can face any issue. And having someone on your side of a conflict, isn’t nearly as scary and the chances of resolving it are much higher. It’s not about “who wins” it’s about the relationship.
Leah Heffner says
Kimber
I would say something profound, but you nailed it so I’m gonna give a hearty “Amen!”. 🙂
Leah