I’m going to let you in on a little secret – men and women think about sex differently.
The two people in a marriage are coming into the marriage bed with different ways of approaching physical intimacy. The visual, the mood, the foreplay, the “feeling sexy”, the sex drive, the stimulation – it’s all a balancing act as we learn about our spouse and learn what they like and don’t like, and what we like and don’t like.
I know some days that I don’t feel sexy and that means sometimes that sex is the last thing on my mind. But it doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be me vs. him.
Since physical intimacy is a metaphor for the intimacy between Christ and His church, intimacy should be an us vs. the world growing opportunity.
I know I have only been married for a drop in the bucket of what we hope will be a very happy 80 years together. In that time I have learned a few things that have surprised me and I have shared some of this advice with different people. I’m no sexpert by any stretch of the imagination. I have armed myself with some quality resources. I am also willing to keep learning.
It is that vain that I came up with this list for how to get ready to initiate sex with your husband. How to put on my wife hat and remove all the other hats I wear in a given day. How to “wash the mommy off” so to speak.
1. Pray and ask God to help me desire physical intimacy with my husband.
2. Ask God to make my husband my standard of sexiness in a world of visual smut. This may mean acknowledging a problem with mommy porn or even “harmless” Christian romance novels. Only God can change the heart; seek Him in this too.
3. Think about sex. Let’s face it, we as women tend to be planners, and if not planners, we like to have an element of control to our surroundings. So make a plan. How often is realistic to be having sex with your husband? Then put a note on your calendar or even set alarms to help you remember to think about sex with your husband. Feel too structured? You don’t have to do it forever, but maybe while the baby is little or while he’s working long hours, this will help you both remember to carve out that time.
4. When you’re happy, have sex. When you’re sad, have sex. Have sex. Have sex. Have sex. I know sex is much more emotional and connection driven for us women but hear me out – that intimacy in an emotional situation that you so DESPERATELY crave and need? Your husband’s brain is wired to release those particular hormones after intercourse, when for women, those hormones are released before intercourse. Did God make a mistake? I don’t think so! I think He wanted us to constantly be building intimacy!
6. Believe that my husband finds me sexually desirable. I don’t look like I did when I got married. The circles under my eyes are dark and are NOT going away, and I have squishiness in places I didn’t think I’d ever get squishy. But my husband thinks I’m sexy! And I can choose to believe that which grows my confidence and sexiness.
7. Be in fellowship with women who are encouraging me in a godly marriage. Man, there’s a lot of info out there about sex. But godly intimacy? That wise counsel can be harder to find. Check out this ministry for AWESOME information.
And you know what, this ministry, Authentic Intimacy, has written a book that does two things.
First, it talks about how our culture has separated sex and intimacy and warns against traps like mommy porn in books and movies.
Second, (and more importantly) it talks about that we were created to desire intimacy and what those desires look like so we can recognize when they are being fed by the wrong things.
The book is called Pulling Back the Shades. Perhaps you remember it as I’ve talked about it before? (Like here, here, and here)I highly recommend it (obviously) and think that women will benefit so much for taking a counter-cultural approach to exploring God’s design for intimacy.
[I’m going to give you a chance to win a copy, just see below my signature.]
As I have thought about this desire for intimacy in the posts I’ve written about sex, I continually come back to and am thankful for both a desire to learn more, and to find women to walk along with and with me in the journey of life and marriage.
Thanks for walking alongside me today.
Oh yeah, you want to win that copy of Pulling Back the Shades I have for you? Simple enough. To enter, you need to leave a comment about either something God is teaching you about your physical relationship with your husband, or a praise in this area. One winner will be drawn from random.org on Saturday, October 11 at 11:59 pm EDT. A big thanks to Family Christian Bookstores for the copy to giveaway!