1 Corinthians 13:4-8a 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
Last night, my husband called me on his way home. I was on the phone with someone else and knew he’d be home any minute so I quickly flipped over to his call to find out his ETA and get back to my other call. But what he said stopped me in my tracks.
“I just reared ended someone.”
I asked if he was hurt, if the other people were hurt. I didn’t even ask about the car or where he was. Those things didn’t matter to me then.
He called me back about 10 minutes later. He was waiting for a tow truck.
A tow. Uh oh. This is worse than I thought.
The car is 16 years old and has been owned and driven by someone in my family for the last 10 years. It has seen many miles. A couple accidents. But for its age, it was doing really well.
In fact, we were banking on that car to get us through another couple years as we finished paying off debt and then saved up for my new mom-mobile.
(That obviously won’t be happening.)
I was mad. I was frustrated. I was confused. I was … I don’t know what I was. I couldn’t really even process what this meant for our plans.
And then it hit me.
Like a ton of bricks.
Like a brick wall.
Like a Camry into the back of a Tahoe.
Love does not envy.
As women, we like control. There are lots of little reasons why but I think there are two overarching reasons. 1 is that the more things go our way, the more important and needed we feel. And the 2 reason is because we feel like we have to if we don’t recognize how or see that our husband is leading.
Love does not envy.
I also think that when we see this verse, we commonly think that envy has more to do with wanting something tangible of theirs, like their Five Finger shoes. Or something time-related like a day off or the luxury to sleep in.
But I think the harshest reality is that we envy our husbands’ role. We envy being the head of the household.
I don’t know if we all consciously decide to envy them for this. But it’s there. It’s there in the wife who says she has to just follow him around nagging him or he won’t get anything done. And it’s there in the wife who undermines her husband’s authority or character when he isn’t around. And it’s there in the wife whohas a justification for her actions because really, it’s his fault.
Love does not envy.
I remember sitting down with a friend shortly before her wedding. She didn’t use these words but she was basically asking me how to submit and let go of the control.
I told her that being ready to marry someone means that you’re ready to trust their leadership.
Leadership takes practice. And we get so impatient with our husbands when they don’t lead our way or in our time.
But God is the only one who can do the fine-tuning and heart-changing required to build great leaders out of our husbands.
When we take over their roles, we are taking over parts that don’t belong to us. We ENVY the jobs that we weren’t given.
And there is a reason that these roles don’t belong to us. They are woven together in an image of God and his design for marriage. If we envy or take one of the roles of our husbands, we should be ready to envy or take them all.
And if we take every God-given role from our husbands, we’re taking his man-essence that God put in him and denying him the privilege of learning and growing in it.
Love does not envy.
Going back to the car accident, about 10 minutes after I realized how crummy I felt, I realized my husband must feel about and gabillion times worse.
He was the one who wrecked the car. He was the one already thinking, planning, and working through how and when we would save for a new one. He takes his role of providor and leader very seriously.
No matter how badly I felt, I was sure he felt worse in every sense of the word.
Love does not envy.
To envy means to want all of those roles that are my husband’s. I can not just pick and choose. If I am envious of his role in an area, I have to realize that they are all inter-connected.
His roles are not my roles and my roles are not his roles.
God created each of us in his own image. We each have unique gifts and callings and talents and reasons for being and doing.
Part of learning to not envy another person’s role is to be confident in your own role. Spend some time in prayer seeking God’s vision for your role. I dare you. Also remember that only God can change a person’s heart, so being confident in your role also means not changing but rather supprting and encouraging someone else in theirs.
How does envy of roles cheat us from enjoying our own roles? Would you share below?
This is a series. To view the other posts in the series, click here.P.S. God is doing some amazing things through this ministry. If you would like to join with us by donating, please click here. We’re over half way on our matching funds goal!
nenaholt says
Oh Leah you are so wise for a young wife!! I have been married a little over 26 years and am just now starting to learn the lessons you already have. You and your insight are a wonderful resource for me. This is so timely and I just want to praise God for revealing your blog to me and for giving you the desire to share with everyone. God Bless You!!
Leah Heffner says
nenaholt – I just hope that I don’t get in God’s way as He teaches me much. The Respect Dare has changed my marriage. -Leah
mariajj2555 says
Sometimes women are forced to take the leadership role, such as when a husband is an addict, or not very good with handling finances. I do not think it is always so “black an white”. We need to do our best with the gifts, ablilities, and wisdom that the Lord has given us. I do believe we need to be respectfull in all of this. A little grace is required all around.
Leah Heffner says
mariajj2555 – I agree that no two marriages work and look exactly alike and that God has graced us all with different giftings. I also believe that as wives, we need to seek God’s will and strive to make Him our focus, and not anyone else. Grace is necessary for any human relationship. Thanks for sharing. -Leah