“We’re going to have to cut 5 positions.”
That was the verdict that came down when the budget line items didn’t match the cash flow for the school district I was working in. And I’m no mathematical genius but I knew I was in the last 5 people hired in the district. So signs pointed to me losing my job.
Part of me was nervous. I had never been fired before. And while I knew it wouldn’t be commentary on me personally, being fired always feels personal, whether it is or not.
Part of me was angry. Like hot, burning, anger. I had a million reasons why my position was important. And to cut me would be to cut my position and I couldn’t stand for it being seen as unimportant.
Part of me was anxious. We knew the number for a long time before we knew who was actually losing their jobs. And it was a hard thing to live with as it hung over our heads.
And part of me? Honestly, was relieved. I was relieved not to have to make a choice about babysitters, about a Master’s Degree, about buying a house, about putting roots in where we lived.
So we talked about all of these feelings. We talked about looking for a new job, going back to school, everything.
And we made a decision that I don’t think anyone expected.
We said “no” to my job.
Before we even knew for sure if I would be fired, we decided I wouldn’t go back to work the next year. We decided that I would stay home with our new baby girl and we would take another step toward what God had put on our hearts.
…..
There’s an expression that says something similar to “For every yes we give, we’re giving something else a no.”
And that is completely true. You will not hear argument from me.
BUT…
The opposite is also true.
When we choose a no where a yes would be easier, expected, a seemingly straighter path, we open ourselves up to new experiences.
Some of the no’s we’ve chosen have made absolutely no sense to anyone else.
No to free grad school.
No to a good teaching job in a good district.
No to what I thought was my first choice teaching job.
No to buying a house.
No to continuing in a corporate setting.
And honestly a lot more no’s I can’t even think of right now.
But those no’s have been some of the absolute best yes’s we have ever said.
…..
Sometimes we think for a door to be the one we need to walk through, that it needs to be the door directly in front of us. You know, that long hallway with the one door on the other end.
Somewhere along the way though, I realized the hallway had lots of other doors that could open, too. And those doors were sometimes better-for-us doors than the straight ahead door.
But here’s the thing that surprised me the most – that hallway isn’t straight. It’s not a room like we think of in our head. The hallway is completely fluid. Walls lead to nowhere and somewhere and anywhere. Doors are like those in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory or Alice’s Wonderland – some are big and some are small. Some are around the corner in a place we absolutely cannot see them from where we are standing until it gets dark and we see the light pouring through. Some take us to another hallways full of doors, and some lead to a waiting room.
Our no’s don’t always shut doors. Sometimes they open us up to an entire hallway of different doors. You just have to be willing to poke your head around the Willy Wonka corners to find them.
P.S. Just to make sure we’re on the same page, to get the full feelin’-feels for this post, sing the title like the song from Frozen. “No is an o-pen DOOR!”
Jessica says
Love this, of course. Beautifully written as well. It was so hard but such a joy to go through this time with you. My “no” came the year following when Dave finished school. And we’ve had lots since then as well. Miss you, dear friend and all you have taught me ๐
Leah says
Jessica, how sweet are you?! We walked through some beautiful and growing years together. That’s for sure. -Leah