Dear Hubs,
It was just a normal day. Our new normal. Our temporary, new normal with a newborn at home and you already back at work. After all, babies don’t keep.
Words were left unsaid as you left the house that morning. Partly because you let me sleep as long as possible and partly because I was not ready to talk about it. So I sent you an email. You sent one back that caused tears, but don’t worry, the good kind.
Just another day in paradise, right?
It was a beautiful day and the big kids had much more energy than their mama so we decided to take a hike – literally – and we always do that at your work. Partly because I don’t know where else to take them that isn’t next to a lake (and you’ve met our son) and partly because the anticipation of seeing Daddy when he’s at work is just too exhilarating to handle.
You heard us pull up, and came out to the van to see us (thank you for not making me get three kiddos out of car seats) and the first thing you said to me after you kissed me was:
Are you happy?
Not a typical 4-in-the-afternoon question from you my love, so while my words said “yes” my eyes implored for more.
It’s not the first time this has happened – we hear of a divorce, separation, or hard time in a friends’ or acquaintances’ marriage and while our head and our hearts grapple for understanding, we do the only thing we know how to do and we check in with each other.
We use a simple question like “Are you happy” to ask the gut wrenching, soul jerking questions that are trying not to escape our lips or even our thoughts.
I didn’t say much to your question. The kids were clamoring for their hike time and you were supposed to be working.
But as I set foot on that trail and our sweet and strong boy took off running, my breath caught in my chest. Yes, I’m happy.
When our daughter cautiously navigated the down slope while still managing to touch my leg the entire time, my eyes almost spilled over with tears. Yes, I’m happy.
As I looked down at our 2 week old nugget in the kangaroo pouch and thought of how out of my mind in love we are with each of these blessings, I thought Yes, I’m happy.
That whole hike, I turned that question over and over, checking it from every angle. Yes, I am happy.
But as we know too well, happiness fades. Life isn’t that simple. And tough times will come.
So I want you to know sweet husband of mine, that I’m not just happy. You are one the best choices I ever made and by the grace of God you chose me back.
And so, as I watch our children running with reckless abandon through a leaf-strewn woods, know that I choose to share this immense joy and treasure with you.
When hard times come our way, when we’re real and raw and vulnerable with each other, and when life just doesn’t seem to be what we thought it would be, I choose to walk through it with you.
Or when you make me mad, because let’s face it, it happens, know that I choose to see the best things about you and repeat them to myself so that I can see more good things about you.
And a million other choices, big and small, that go into each of our days together on this earth, I choose to do each of them with you.
In case this sounds too good to be true, I also want you to know it’s partly selfish. When it comes to the hard things, or the stuff I don’t know how to do, I don’t want to do it alone. So even if you are driving me crazy, I’d still rather do all of this with you, on the same team.
Because the thing is: you’re choosing me right back. And while I’m sure I don’t drive you crazy (more than once an hour), I doubt that “happy” is the only thing keeping you here.
I watched our big kids every step of that trail, climbing trees, searching for leaves and sticks, discovering tennis courts – and I thought to myself over and over that the answer to the question you asked me wasn’t whether or not I was happy.
It’s that regardless of what we’re going through, experiencing, enjoying, learning, growing – whatever the season brings, I choose to do with you. I choose to see the best things about you and about our life.
Thank you for choosing me back. For choosing to ask me to be your wife, and for choosing me every day of the last five and a half years.
Yes, my dear, I’m happy. But it’s not why I’m here.
Kimber says
Happy is just a bonus for the being here, isn’t it? A bonus we are blessed to enjoy the majority of the time. But you’re right, it’s not why we’re “here.”
Leah says
Happy is a pretty good bonus 🙂
Paige says
This makes me happy….but seriously, great post! There is very little that is guaranteed in this life and unending happiness is not one of them. (In this life you will have trouble. John 16:33). But, as we strive to demonstrate God’s character in our relationship with our spouse, we begin to see reflected back onto us His covenant-keeping faithful love (Deuteronomy 7:7-9). This practice is both humbling and reassuring. You break this idea down into the real-life moments in which we can all relate. Thanks for the post!