Respecting ours husbands is not just about being respectful to his face. More importantly, it’s about your attitude toward your husband when he’s not around. This attitude – how you think, speak, and act towards your husband – is the building blocks that you will use in your interactions for your husband.
I am often reminded of this in the car when we go to my in-laws house. My husband and I each have the things that we take care of – he checks the oil and other fluids, cleans out and loads the car. I pack the snacks and the diapers and clothes. We don’t stress and don’t worry too much about the time – we give ourselves about a half an hour window that we would like to get out the door.
Usually, my husband runs a double check on the house after he starts the car. And I get in and wait for him to come out.
When we first got married and it was just the two of us, he would go back in the house and go to the bathroom and get a drink, check his email again. And I would sit in the car and fume. I would get madder by the minute – why start the car if we aren’t going to leave for a half hour? Geeze, now I have to go to the bathroom again, too! What is so hard about leaving? Well at least this means we’ll get there later.
And this did not simply run in my head. I spoke, and sometimes yelled, these things in my frustration.
And really, what a silly thing to be mad at – my husband, making sure we had everything we needed. My husband – making sure he could ignore work for a few days. My husband – having to use the bathroom.
I can’t remember when I started really thinking about this behavior. I mean, who could it hurt? He couldn’t hear me. And frankly, if I yelled about it while he wasn’t there I was less likely to yell at him when he was there, right? And I was entitled to be mad, since he is making me just sit here and wait, right?
But what I began to realize is that even though he couldn’t hear me, I still said it or certainly thought it. And there are many places in the Bible where thinking the action is the same as doing the action. Ouch. So all that anger and hurt? It had hurt my husband and certainly our relationship, and he hadn’t even heard it.
And I didn’t yell at him less. By the time he got in the car, he could tell I was mad, so he would ask me what was wrong. And I would just clam up and say nothing, expecting him to read my mind, only to explode an hour later because he didn’t KNOW what he had done wrong.
And I would stay mad alright – mad at him, mad at everything we were doing, and then mad at myself for how I was acting and ruining our car ride – even if it wasn’t all my fault.
So like I said, I don’t remember when this occurred to me, but I do remember sitting in the car, with our new baby girl, ready to leave for church. My husband had to run in the house and grab something for the baby but he was taking way longer than grabbing her blankie. I went to start my usual rant and I caught site of my baby in the mirror. She was just sitting and smiling. She loved to go places with mom and dad.
And I had three thoughts all at once.
- Would I want her to talk her father or anyone else this way?
- Would I want him or her to think that in my heart of hearts that this is how I felt about him?
- Would I want my future son’s wife to think this way towards my son?
O no! I needed to work on this! So here are some things I try to do. Maybe these ideas will work for you:
–Be slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19) The beauty here is that we are rarely under a time crunch to get somewhere by a super specific time. When we are, I can voice that – which I try to do when we talk the night before. But if we aren’t under a time crunch, “slow” is something I can enjoy and look forward to.
–Love is patient. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) I try to remember that he is just trying to take care of us and himself. Everyone has to go to the bathroom. Everyone forgets stuff and gets distracted. Patience is a fruit that Spirit grows in us through the people and experiences that we have every day.
–Model the behavior that you want your children to have knowing that they will see your example, both if it is evil (1 Kings 22:52) and good (2 Chronicles 26:4). I don’t want my daughter thinking that her daddy is doing something wrong. I don’t want her to repeat my anger to him or to anyone else. And I really don’t want her to have this in her memory bank for when she’s married someday.
–Respect your husband. (Ephesians 5:33) And above all else, someone I am supposed to love and respect more than anyone else in the world, shouldn’t have me speaking about him that way.
As I look at what I teach my daughter about cooking, playing, exploring, learning, and life, I think it’s important, too, that I look really hard at what I teach her about her daddy and about marriage.
Dare you to think of a situation where you have problems being respectful – even if no one is watching. Dare you to look up these scriptures and add to them with wisdom and your own ideas for improving your attitude in these situations.
What is an experience you’ve had with frustration and what Biblical wisdom can you share that helped you learn this lesson?
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