If you have a kid under the age of five, I’m going to guess that either you are in a season like the one I’m in or you remember it fresh enough to nod your head, and your eyes will mist up knowingly.
Our newest little guy is a tough sleeper. We’re still getting up at least twice a night, even with the introduction of solid food. Our daughter has decided she’s missing out on something so most nights, she, too, ends up in our bed. Thank goodness it’s a king or I don’t think we’d all make it to morning.
If the kids get up early, so do I, stumbling out to the kitchen and making breakfast and lunch. By nap time, I’m so tired I can hardly see straight. But I’m also too awake to go to sleep. I never seem to hit a stride of sleep when the kids are sleeping.
Or, like this morning, we sleep till a healthy 7:30. But by that time the kids are itching to get up and starving. Daddy is about to walk out the door, so we don’t get to talk. A lunch time meeting and a doctor’s appointment mean at best we’ll get to talk at bedtime but then we’ll be doing bed time and then fall asleep ourselves.
I don’t know about the rest of you but for me this is some of the hardest part. I need to talk to my husband. It’s how I sort through and process everything.
So with the crazy schedules we keep, there are days when we don’t get to anymore than what the kids did and the work stuff. I feel sometimes like I don’t get it all out and it drives me crazy!
As silly as this may sound, I make a list of the things I want to tell him or need to discuss with him. That way, one, I don’t forget and two, if it’s just a story, sometimes if I write it down, I feel like it can wait longer. And sometimes, if it’s getting to be a long week, I’ll send an email with some things we need to talk about that way there are fewer things on our list.
And I know this has nothing to do with me, but rather the pleading and crying out of my heart’s desire that the Holy Spirit deciphers on my behalf.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
God speaks truth to my heart and gives me solutions that work for me to find some rest, even if it’s just my mind finding rest.
mandisantiago says
I co-slept/ b/f’d with all of my kids, which seriously helped with the sleep thing. When they got big enough that I was hanging off the edge of the bed to accommodate their sprawl, I moved them to a futon on the floor at the foot of my bed, so I could just drag my tired butt down to the floor and crash out there with them. Once they were old enough to identify with their own possessions and their own space as being theirs, I moved the futon to their room. My boys shared a room till they were 7/8 respectively, They are 18mo/3hrs apart to the minute, so they weren’t in by themselves and even when they were school age, they would still wake up in a puppy pile in the mornings. There was always a warm body for added security. By the time my middle was 2 they were both in their own beds, in their own room sleeping through the night.
My daughter was a little more challenging because of the 7 year gap between her and her brothers, so she was in my bed till she was almost three, but because she was a little older she transitioned into her own room faster. I was beat, I was sick to bits of breastfeeding – she went to 2.5yrs, and we didn’t really start solids with any nutritional contribution with her till she was almost 2. She would snack and have bites of whatever I was eating, but she had very little interest in solids. For the sake of my sanity and my health; only having 9mo between pregnancies and breastfeeding while pregnant for the first 6mo with my second really did a number on me, I drew a hard line with her. If she got up in the night, I didn’t turn on the light, I put her back to bed, in her own bed, checked the basics (hungry, wet, cold/hot, sick) and said good night and went back to my bed. We might have to repeat it a few times, but the message was clear. Night time is for sleeping, there is no party here. No stimulation, no entertainment offered.
The days were the hardest with my middle, because he was my colic baby. Up until about two if he was awake, he was screaming. He had very different needs from my oldest, whose motto could be “more, faster, louder” he needed to be swaddled and left alone, which at that point I just couldn’t accept, everything in me felt that to bond with him, I should hold him, cuddle him, love him, which just fried his over sensitive nervous system. He was a frustrated toddler, trying to keep up with his older brother and a picky eater to boot. he actively REJECTED all solids except bananas, which really didn’t help his already touchy system. He was the kid who would refuse to poo, swallow back down spit up and turn his nose up at food. Even breastfeeding was a struggle since if the milk didn’t let down right away he would get frustrated and snub the boob, get hysterical and have to be swaddled and put down to settle before trying again in a few minutes.
To this day he’s still amazingly independent. At playgrounds he would be off doing his own thing and kids would approach him to play and he would grump at them and tell him he was too busy and he was already playing anyways. A born curmudgeon. He potty trained faster than any of my other kids though since he was competing with his brother.
My best advice is to avoid the online moms groups like Cafemom, where women habitually bond over their negative energy. Don’t fill in the gaps with any validation as being good enough. Stay hungry for that contact with your spouse. The consequences of taking easy no commitment communication with faceless people who have no real power to strengthen you, only to strengthen your feelings of resentment is that your communication style changes. It drives you to reject the small attempts from your spouse because they aren’t the Greek Chorus of shared wails and it demands that you step out of your comfy rut. At this point in life, we are strongly subject to the influence of what little communication we get. Learning to stand alone on your own two feet is a far more valuable resource than any resource offered by the so called shared struggle squadron, lest we have our communication styles reduced to entitlement and complaining and further alienating our spouses. Surround yourself with immaturity and suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad by comparison when you do something immature.
The baby’s not going to pop if he fusses for a few minutes, you’re not a terrible mom for checking the basics (hungry? wet? cold/hot? scenery change?) and allowing a child the opportunity to self soothe. 5-10min wont compromise your bond or your childs future as a productive member of society. YOU have to be stable in order to provide stability. Sometimes we have to go back to basics and prioritize safety, sanity and let the rest ride for a bit.
Same deal with your spouse. This is in the big picture a very short few years. This is usually the first of many challenges. Sticking it out and just getting through is sometimes the win. Time is on your side. Keep thinking about the *us* not the me and it will happen.
The great lesson of childbirth applies. This too shall pass, we don’t have to fight it, we just have to outlast it and our ability to withstand is often far greater than our desire to.
Leah Heffner says
Mandi, Thanks for your comments. As always, you have a lot to share which is helpful. I am with you on the perspective. It is such a short amount of time. I’m just thankful for what God is teaching me to cope. -Leah
katys9blessings says
Sounds like you are doing great Leah – honestly! You are surviving on little sleep and missing the friendship of your husband, it’s hard times! I didn’t sleep through the night (other than the occasional sickness or miracle) for 13 years. I’d like to say that my body sorta just adjusted … but it was really hard times!
Sending the emails are GREAT. I use this form of communication too. Sometimes I have a few minutes to write coherent and full thoughts but often I just send a “we need to talk about” list. My husband actually prefers bullet points – he loves to check them off!
One suggestion that I would make, and it is NOT easy, would be for you to be very consistent on bedtime and awakening time. I know how hard it is to get out of bed when the alarm goes off just 20 minutes after the baby finally went to sleep but it is really good for your body (and for the children). This will also give you that morning time with your husband, even if you just get up 15 minutes before he leaves. Once my children were on a regular schedule of rising and going to bed they seemed to sleep longer stretches in the night.
These days you are living will soon enough be a fond memory. 🙂
Leah Heffner says
Katy, I have no doubt that this time will fly by (unless, as we like to joke, we’re parents to small children for the next 20 years and then, well it won’t fly all that much). I’m also with you on the schedules. That’s how I roll. It’s harder now that I don’t work though. Thanks for your comments. I hope other young moms find them encouraging. -Leah
Raina says
I’m shaking with lack of sleep right now!! (I think its because I had coffee, which I don’t usually drink, so it gives me the jitters rather than making me feel more alert!)
I had what I would call a rough morning… everybody waking up and coming into bed before I was ready to open my eyes, trying to clean up from last nights dinner, getting everyone dressed and bundled so we could go out, and then my son says he feels like he’s gonna throw up… (I prayed for him, and he got better after that, Praise God)! So I made it to my workout class after all, just a half hour late! But I made it, and its always an accomplishment to even get out of the house with 3 little ones.
So what ultimately helps me is to count my blessings, realizing what things are actually good in my life, and what things could actually be much worse!!! I have to focus on the things that I HAVE and the things I DID, and not focus on the things I DON’T have or DIDN’T do!
Leah Heffner says
Thanks Raina! You and I seem to be in the same boat!