You go to a women’s class at church. Join a small group. Start talking about biblical marriage with a girlfriend. It doesn’t matter which of these or perhaps another place it is that you are talking about women from a biblical perspective.
What I do notice in any of these situations is the pins and needles. The uncomfortable looks. The little sighs and gasps. And then as the conversation starts to take a turn toward our attitude towards a situation, someone can no longer hold it in any longer.
“I want to make sure I’m hearing you right because surely you wouldn’t just be telling us to be doormats?”
Everyone waits. All those ladies who were having side conversations stop and their ears suddenly perk up. The ones who have been shifting on their seats are suddenly still. And the gasps have all been held as they wait for the answer.
It’s the question that’s been on everyone’s mind.
But she finally dared to ask it out loud.
And there it is, the elephant in the room.
Since we are starting The Respect Dare next week, I guess I thought I should get to this question sooner than later. Especially since this happened in my bible study yesterday – a bible study on thankfulness.
I have no doubt that this question will creep into your own thoughts at some point throughout this journey. “You want me to do what? And he can just…do whatever he wants?”
Becoming a doormat has to be one of the biggest lies that the enemy and our culture have come up with in the realms of motherhood and marriage. It has to be. Or it wouldn’t be one of the first thought on any woman’s mind. It wouldn’t come to an emotional head. It wouldn’t be the first question asked in a study on thankfulness.
So there are two really important parts to this lie – first that women are “less than” in the eyes of the church. In Romans 8:14-17, we see that as believers we are co-heirs. 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. We now have the privilege of calling God “Daddy” and it’s the same gift offered to each and every believer regardless of gender.
And the second part of this lie comes from the fact that this church on earth is made up of sinful people who make mistakes. The enemy loves to play off this! These divides make us focus on what someone else is doing instead of what God’s word has to say.
As women, we are specifically sensitive to being thought of as “less than”, “servants”, and “doormats”. We have talked time and again that maybe one of the biggest lies we are currently combating is that we as women have fought for the right to “have it all” and we are doing a disservice to ourselves, our children, and those who came before us by choosing to have any less than “it all”. I talked about this last week, and I would guess, I’ll talk on it again in the future.
Please be aware of this lie. It will hit you in big ways and in small ways. It might hit you square in the face and it might creep in little by little.
How do we combat this lie? Well, I have a few suggestions.
One is to know that you can only have an impact on your own heart. You can’t change anyone else – only your heart can grow as God directs. What about your husband? Well, only God can change his heart too. So pray for him, and pray for how you can encourage him. Realize and own that you cannot change someone else through yelling or nagging. You can only worry about you and how God is calling you to react.
Which brings us to my next point which is that most of this is an attitude change. Our approach to a situation is what we will see change. Our attitude, our heart, our reaction is how God is working. And this is where people see “doormat” but it’s really about the maturity to allow God to work through our reactions.
And of course, surround yourself with women who will encourage you in making these changes, instead of allowing you to wallow or complain and slip back into old habits. These women will have to challenge you and call you out, but that can be beautiful too.
So the elephant in the room – becoming a doormat – is really about our attitude and approach to a situation. It’s not about being a servant or being “less-than”. It’s about looking at the same situation in a different way and letting God work through our reaction.
I am so excited to start The Respect Dare next week. The ministry has had a HUGE week with the Family Life interviews and I know so many women are excited to get started.
Are you planning on joining us?
Dare you to share how you combat the lie of becoming a doormat. Be praying now for how you can be a witness in this way as we start out on this journey together.
-Leah
Oh very well said Leah. And ‘doormat’ is asked with such skepticism, and the “I’m being a submissive wife” spat out in anger isn’t really, is it? So hard to witness the respect and marriage change from changing one sinful heart (ours) to those who’ve seen the good and the bad, and sometimes can’t forget the ugly. It’s not always where we start, or where we rest in the middle but where we find our story, a place to share the challenge and the change. The place where hearts can sense God moving us, not us moving God.
Shanyn- Amen. -Leah
Leah,
I will try to explain what women are often times thinking,when they read these articles that bombard women about respect, respect, respect.
Don’t get offended and delete me when I write what my frineds and female relatives are thinking about your articles. Here are their comments
1. These articles suggest that wives must do it all, that the husband is to be exalted and just sit back while his wife bows down like a girl child and exalts her daddy.
2 You are turning the wives into the leaders. God assigned the husband as the servant leaders.Wives cannot do it all. It is not a relationship if the wife has to do it all.,
2. A pregnant wife and mother is already uncomfortable and overwhelmed as it is and you writers have the nerve to be telling her to adjust her fat uncomfortable self, for a husband who should be adjusting to her while she is pregnant? She is already cooking, clleaning, and giving him sex on demand, even when she has no interest in his body. She is harmonal and overworked. Enough is enough.
3. A wife is not a child who needs to be told to not roll her eyes at her daddy. That is a ridiculous thing to say to a grown woman. Just like you writers tell wives not to act like his mommy, then you must equally tell husbands to not act he is her daddy.
4. Be careful that you writers are not making husbands into idols, with these unfair lists and suggestions.
5. Why do these women writers not read the Bible and see what God tells husbands about their wives and not being harsh, giving his life for her, honoring her, and how we all are to submit to one another. There WILL be some times whena husbands has to submit to his wife. Example: when he wants his mom and dad in the delivery room and she says no, they cannot be in there while she is naked. She is the patient.
6. Why do we not see men written articles, with demands for husbands, that scold husbands? The reason is, that men support each other and do not scold each other, the way women so gullibly do for men’s sakes.
Some women are asking that we should be fair and show compassion to wives, as we do for husbands. I have heard a few women say that some writers are biased or out of their minds. I so understand their feelings. It is unfair because we place all the work on the wives who already have a tremendous load on them (Need I list the load topics?) Also keep in mind that Satan does blind some marriage writers and therapists to write articles that scold and blame the women for every little thing. If you writers are truly Christian, then you will be fair and balanced to both the husband and the wife. A man is only human and not to be worshipped.
Zaylee – WOW. Most of those “objections” have gone through my head too. I’ve also heard them from friends. I am NO expert in theology or how to be a good wife, let alone a good CHRISTIAN wife so please my comments for what they are worth.
1. The “do it all” thing is probably the biggest one that gets me down. My first husband admitted he was the laziest SOB to walk the earth. He seemed actually proud of it. The fact that I had to do it all was a major factor in our divorce. What I learned from The Respect Dare is that our husbands often “step up” if they are treated with respect, asked for help in the proper way and thanked for their efforts (even if that effort was pathetic in our opinion). I think those writers are simply trying to get us to understand that this “one more thing we have to do” will actually HELP that situation.
2 “You are turning the wives into the leaders.” You are right -its not a relationship if the wives have to do it all. One of the hardest things I still struggle with is NOT doing it all. It’s easier to take over than to let your husband fail. I learned that sometimes the fail is how God is teaching your husband. No, it’s “not fair” that we wives often suffer the fail too, but if it’s what your man needs in order to learn, it will work out in the end. I think those writers are trying to get women to see the power we actually have in a relationship.
2. Umm -can’t comment on that one. I’ve never seen anything written specifically to pregnant women telling them to adjust to their man’s every need -including sex. I would hope that the respectful pregnant wife would be wise enough to gently warn her man when she is uncomfortable and ask for help when she needs it.
3. I’m very curious who is writing that is telling you that a wife should treat her husband like he’s her daddy. I know that the eye-rolling thing is one of my biggest struggles in my marriage. That -and big sighs. My husband HATES it when I do that. They are two sure-fire ways to get him to be pissy the rest of the day or even purposely do something to piss ME off right back. Although my pride tells me he gave me every reason to roll my eyes, my brain knows that if I had controlled myself things would not have gotten worse. I have even seen my control rewarded with a husband who eventually thought better of whatever it was that made me want to roll my eyes.
4. What “unfair lists and suggestions”? Ways to show our husbands respect? The women who want a better marriage are the ones who are reading what those writers say. Since we ARE all grown women, I think we can agree that you cannot MAKE your husband change. If you want a better marriage, perhaps there is something the wife can do to change herself that will impact the marriage in a positive way. Just like women feel love in different ways, men feel respected in different ways. Which ones might work for you?
5. Again, we cannot control our husbands and MAKE them be the biblical husbands God intended him to be. All we can do is work on our own relationship with God and do our best to be the wife He intended for us to be. Happily, that often results in a husband who sees our example and tries harder to step up himself. As far as your example of him HAVING to submit to your wishes in the delivery room, what kind of jerk would try to force his will on a wife in labor who tells her husband she is not comfortable with her in-laws being present?
6. I can SO hear the pain behind this #6. Someone else already responded to this -that women write for women. But please do some more research. There is TONS written for husbands by both men and women. My church is currently running a men’s class on being better leaders and husbands. Its out there. Your man just has to want to find it. It sounds like you are understandably upset that you are the only one seeking help in your marriage. It’s frustrating -I know!! I would LOVE for my man to take more of an interest, but since I cannot control him, nag him or even beg him into it, all I can do is try to find peace for myself.
Zaylee – it may console you a bit to know that the majority of the followers I have reading my blog are MEN. I write about my struggles to respect my husband who suffers from PTSD and alcoholism. I think alot of men DO want better marriages. They just don’t know how to go about it. Few are interested in counseling and many shy away from religion. After all, God expects a lot out of men -as you said- and that can be very overwhelming. Sometimes a wife can’t even lead the horse to water, but she may find it following her a ways behind. Give it a try and give it time.
Prayers for you!!
Zaylee,
It seems like I may have offended you and I am sorry.
I might be wrong here but it seems to me that we have different understandings on a few issues.
1 is the issue of fairness. This is not a concept in biblical teaching. Rather, Jesus gave people what they needed on an individual level. In my marriage and what my husband needs may not look like what your husband needs, and I think we can all agree that what a wife needs is not the same as what her husband needs.
2 A marriage is not meant to be a 50/50 contract of give and take. It is a 100/100 covenant agreement in which each person is all in to the best of their ability and it is not contingent on what the other person does or does not do. Even if I’m not respecting my husband (which happens more than I care to admit) he still committed to loving me. Even if my husband’s not loving me, I still committed to respecting him.
3 There is a ton of information out there on husbands loving their wives – sermon series, books, movies (some of which you can find on our resources page) – you name it. In fact, I think the market and the church are sometimes over saturated with the message that men aren’t doing enough and they women need to wait until their husband shapes up to start working on themselves.
I certainly don’t mean to burden wives with MORE. As a mom of two little ones, I know what my work load is and I don’t need more. What is freeing of my load is my attitude – I can only change myself and my own heart. I saw that you commented below on attitude also. And I want to encourage you, because I hear so much hurt in your comment, to read the post I did today on expectations. Our attitude IS our choice. It’s looking at a situation and finding, seeking, choosing, clinging to joy in a way that only God can provide. My husband and God have a relationship and God will change his heart in His time if He wants to, or he may use my husband to change my heart. But my attitude is something I can impact. So I do.
I know the enemy is strong and prowling. I appreciate your concern for my spiritual welfare.
Leah
Zaylee –
I was one of those women who made an “idol” out of her marriage and was trying to be obedient to what God has called me to do for the sole purpose of getting my husband to change so I understand the concern you mention in your last sentence. But I am also one of those women who has been guilty of talking to my husband in the EXACT same way I talk to my kids – trying to give him orders and demand that he “jump to” when I say so. Learning to interact with him respectfully has a dramatic effect on his willingness to help (and how often we get ugly with each other!)
As for the “submission” issue – I do not feel like I am being a doormat when I am actively choosing to show respect to my husband and getting out of his way so he can lead! I do not play helpless or “do it all”. But I am careful to respect his schedule and his plans when asking for help. There is a difference between “You need to come do (fill in the blank) for me right now” and “When you have the time, would you mind helping me out by (fill in the blank).” I know how I would respond to my hubby if he was demanding and ordered me around and I shouldn’t treat him in a way that would anger me. There is no getting around the fact that the Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (Eph. 5:23).
I have read enough of Leah’s blog entries (and other female writers as well) to know that there is a simple reason why they don’t write to husbands – they aren’t men! Titus chapter 2 spells out very clearly that older men are to teach younger men and older women are to teach younger women. It’s not that women have nothing to say that men need to hear – hubby often seeks my advice and counsel in areas where I possess more training, knowledge, or passion than him – but we have to make sure that we speak out of a place of love and encouragement, not out of a desire to “win.”
For too long, the church used the verses in Ephesians 5 to beat women into silence and much of the fear that women express today comes from a place of fear. We don’t want to be seen as “less than”. But God’s original design for marriage was as a partnership with the husband taking the lead. It was the human race that goofed it all up! I cannot browbeat, nag, or threaten my hubby into loving me or leading as Christ would. I’ve tried. It failed. Badly! He’s just as stubborn as I am and the more I pushed, nagged, and scolded the more he dug in and refused to even see my side of things. But I can choose to interact with him respectfully and let him lead REGARDLESS of whether or not he is acting lovingly towards me and even if he isn’t leading EXACTLY the way I’d like him to. His way of doing things is sometimes VERY different from mine. But if I’m honest, sometimes his way is better!
Hubby defers to me on a number of things and lets me make decisions on my own about those things. I don’t have to get his permission or approval. All he asks is that if it involves money (example – I like doing the menu planning and organizing the grocery shopping) that I stick to the parameters of our spending plan and talk to him if it is going to go over what we had budgeted.
I appreciate your willingness to speak up and air the fears/concerns/frustrations that some women have with this very sensitive topic!
Just realized I left a major typo in there! – “For too long, the church used the verses in Ephesians 5 to beat women into silence and much of the frustration that women express today comes from a place of fear.” Sorry!
Moj8668-
Thank you for your transparency. I think many of us would agree that we have made marriage an idol or used wrong motives with our respect – as a tool for manipulation. Thank you for speaking about that and how you’ve grown. Titus 2 🙂
-Leah
Leah
You are so right that this boils down to our attitude. I am so amazed at how blessed I feel when I get out of the way and let God be my guide. When I do everything as if I’m doing it unto The Lord then I’m even more blessed.
Keep up the encouraging work!
Love
Stefanie
It is so unfair when we continue to speak about a wife not having the “right attitude”. That is definitely not always the truth in any given marital situation. I need to disagree with you here. I know and associate with some wives(friends) who have the correct attitudes about their marriages with their husbands, while all others can see that some of these husbands have the “not so good attitudes” with verbal abuse, cheating, not taking care of the family, and being rude to the wife in public.
Let us not continue to say that it “boils down to our attitude.” Do not blame the woman alone, because both spouses are sinners. The wife is not always the one in a marriage who is not following God’s plan. Wow, how unfair we tend to be women. Why can’t we as women commenters and writers, for once, just admit that yes it is not always the wife, and yes husbands are just as gulity of hurting the marriage. I really do believe that many women and men actually do not read other chapters/verses of Bible Scripture. We are so hung up on “submit”.
Saying wives are to blame is totally unfair. And I see what you’re saying about the right attitude thing because when we’re being treated not lovingly the last thing we want to do is be respectful. It’s only fair and natural to give people what they deserve. The hard part is Christ isn’t calling us to give people what they deserve or what in our human nature seems fair especially in marriage. We are all sinners–husbands and wives–and each one of us is called to give what the other doesn’t deserve. I don’t know about you but as a sinner I never DESERVE love. But that’s the beautiful thing about love and respect-it’s not earned it’s freely given. That’s how Christ gives to each one of us undeserving sinners and in our marriages He has graciously given us the opportunity to share in that extending of grace. Thanks be to God He has given us what we don’t deserve! Including absolutely flawed people who show us small glimpses of His grace through others around us–even when we don’t see those actions as “enough” for us.
Stefanie –
Everything to the Glory of God.
-Leah
TRue .. it’s so much about our attitude .. respect is definitely NOt doing it all or grovelling … it’s respecting the one, true and living God .. and honouring Him, by respecting our husband’s 🙂
Vanillablueskyblog-
Thanks for being here. 🙂
-Leah
I think the challenge that we run into when the word “doormat” is used is that it is a container term that we can project any complaint or fear we have about our spouses behavior into. Necessarily tying unloving and inconsiderate behaviors from a spouse to biblical respect and submission is a safe way to place the responsibility for our actions onto men – which is exactly the opposite of how Respect works in marriage. We are ultimately responsible and accountable for our choices and outcomes in the world. There is no requirement for the wife to “do it all” – if anything these are the words of the libbers who first declare that we can “have it all” but are mysteriously absent when we burn out. When we look for the responsible party, we fall back on their words of entitlement. We do too much already. Men owe us. This is an argument against traditionalism, not respect, not God. When we burn out from trying to do it all we become the tyrants we accuse our spouses of being. We are entitled. We have every right to carry his nuts around in our change purses. We have every right to be angry. We are opressed by our own undertakings. We have uteruses (uteri?!) we carry the burden of the world. I did the dishes, now get thee to work. I went to work, the dishes had better be done. We are no longer grateful for our ability to give because we haven’t been giving with grace. Much as it seems in early adulthood and marriage, the childbearing years are not the only challenges a marriage faces. Just this alone is an argument for respect. The challenges keep coming. The divisions of labor by gender are going to change many many times over the course of the years depending on the challenges in front of you.
The foundation of respect is trust. It’s giving over the power struggle not the power. God doesn’t say “and the woman shall be powerless and helpless and the man shall scratch his bottom bits while watching TV and drinking beer.” Respect is upward pressure. We go first into some challenges in life, such as childbearing; much like climbing a ladder the person behind you holding the ladder is your safety net. Their contribution is just as necessary and valuable as the contribution of climbing the ladder – and we take turns climbing the ladder. Whether we are on the ladder or holding the ladder, half butting it isn’t going to do the job.
Being respectful and accepting of your husbands love and leadership does not mandate his behaving like a tyrant. It does not validate or justify his abusing your trust and goodwill. This is fear talk. This is the bitterness of apathy. He’ll just take advantage of me. I wont do everything I can, considering the family before myself with the faith that I am building a culture of generosity in my home before my own personal gratification because someone might say it’s not enough. My spouse wont notice and sure as heck wont respond in kind.
One of the things the Respect Dare, Nina Roesner, the author of the Respect Dare and the ladies leading the Respect Dare Groups really emphasize is that we are NOT using respect and submission as a ploy to manipulate a response from the men in our lives. How the guys respond is gratifying, I’ll give you that. It’s a nice bonus, but the real reward is in seeing yourself and all of your relationships FLOURISH because you’ve chosen the high road. Because we’ve chosen to be accountable to God, to work to make our families a living ministry and a testament to the power of Gods Word and much like when you take down the walls between yourself and your spouse, when you take down the walls between you and God the blessings are uncountable. Respect the power of your words in creating your family. You have the ability to empower or destroy someone with a breath. If I were to take it to it’s most basic and legalistic, stop letting temporary emotional states make permanganate scars on others. If your relationship has degraded to being a chore chart, it wasn’t respect, goodwill and generosity that drove it there.
We all have to work in life. Whether it’s in the home or in the cube farms. We can all accept that industriousness and a good attitude goes a lot farther in the workplace than a sense of entitlement. The same applies in the home. Respect and submission does not demand that you work exclusively in the home. We have ladies from all over the country, we are a diverse bunch. Some ladies are the primary breadwinners for their families. We have ladies who’ve dealt with challenges that have left them unable to work, in their homes or for a paycheck. We have gals who are still up against amazing challenges and they choose to love God and let him lead in their marriages and the results are AMAZING. As we mature and find peace that the world is as it is for a reason and we have an integral role in it, and that God has a plan for each of us, and it is not one of meaningless suffering we learn grace and how to share that grace with those who are closest to us as well as to those who only observe us from the outside.
Here’s to working hard for our goals and ideals whatever they may be. Keep the faith.
Mandi-
Thanks for your comment. I really like your 3rd paragraph. I feel like that’s a really good explanation for the thought process.
🙂
-Leah
Vanillablueskyblog-
Thanks for being here.
-Leah
Hi Leah, saw your comment on Sheila’s blog, and thought I’d come check out your post.
This discussion is a fairly common one. The people (both husbands and wives) who don’t get it, just don’t get it. They think it’s archaic, slavery, dominating, controlling, abusive, etc., etc., etc.. To the point that it’s rare they’ll even consider trying it.
But those who do try, with the right spirit, you’ll find they’ll never go back. Their marriages turn into something wonderful, something inexplicable, something closer to what God intended, I believe.
I wrote about this topic a couple of time myself a while back, when we were trying to figure this out in our own marriage. In case anyone cares to see the male side of it:
Where is the line between biblical submission and being a doormat?
What does household leadership mean for the husband?
Great post.