Here is the reality of motherhood: It’s both messy and beautiful, difficult and empowering, challenging and uplifting.
And that swirl of emotions alone, not to mention all of the other things about being a mom, can leave us tapped out at the end of the day. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.
Usually though, that’s just the time for Wifey Time to kick in. For many of us, it can be a tough transition at the end of the day. We know it’s an important transition, that the emotional connection of sex mirrors the physical connection.
But how do we make the switch at the end of the day?
Here are some of my ideas for transitioning from Mommy Mode to Smokin’ Hot Mama.
16 Ways to Go from Mommy Mode to Smokin’ Hot Mama
- Take a shower. Take 5 minutes to literally wash the mom off of you. You can invite your husband in, or not if you need a minute. A 5-minute shower doesn’t delay that much and it’ll give you a little bit of pep.
- Have a tool box. We sometimes don’t feel sexy but a tool box full of things that help us feel sexy can help. Ideas would be perfume you only use for this time, mouth wash, something you feel amazing in, lip gloss, stuff like that.
- Schedule time. We have a weekly home date night. Our kids go to bed a little early and know it’s our time, not theirs. They are seeing that we’re making our marriage a priority. Some people block out the hour between kid bed and parent bed time. There is no perfect standard for this. But here’s what I encourage you to do – schedule it and then look for more ways and more times. Start somewhere and let it grow.
- Intentional time. My husband and I are really big on making little moments count. So we look for little moments, to be intentional, thoughtful, and we look for ways to grow that. This didn’t happen over night but all of the little things have grown into our books Intentional Love : 31 Ways to Love Your Husband/Wife with Purpose. (Now available for Pre-Order!)
- Schedule sex. This might not sound sexy or romantic. But it makes sure that it stays on everyone’s radar. Think about it this way – we schedule everything else in our lives that is important to us why would we just “hope” this happens organically? Put it on your google calendar that you share. When you see it you can start thinking that way and it really will make a big difference in how your day goes.
- Have an invitation system. I actually just gave this talk at my MOPS group and we talked about the book The Bead Method which is an invitation to your spouse that they respond to within 24 hours. When we were discussing it, several women at my table talked about doing the same thing with a candle or something similar.
- Think sex. If you really think scheduling sex is unsexy then don’t let it off your radar. You can still spend time during the day mentally prepping for sex. Our biggest sex organ is our brains. So write it on a calendar, send a text message letting him know you’re thinking about him, send him out the door with a 10 second kiss.
- Make it fun. Try wearing lingerie to bed every night for a week or a month. Or sleeping naked for a week or a month. You might feel funny at first but it will definitely catch some attention and help break the ice.
- Stretch or exercise together. In your nightly wind down time instead of scrolling Facebook again, exercise together. Stretch. Be together doing something physical. It’s another good visual invitation.
- Believe that your husband finds you desirable. My husband has watched me give birth to 3 babies and has seen my body change from the I-don’t-have-to-exercise-fitness-whole-pizza-in-my-mouth 21 year old to the grown-and-fed-4-small-humans 30 year old and he still tells me I’m beautiful and he finds me attractive. I could tell him it’s not true. I could not believe it. I could poke and prod around on my body like a science experiment wondering where these lumps and bumps came from. OR I can believe him. I can choose to believe that my husband isn’t a liar. That he does in fact find me attractive. That he means what he says. And I can take that truth that he tells me and I can bank on it. I can say “ok maybe I don’t see it but I don’t have to. If he’s happy I’m happy.” And that’s a good place to be.
- Ask God to make your husband your standard for physical attractiveness. We shouldn’t, as married ladies, have Pinterest boards or man crush Mondays that involve “eye candy” or other men than our husbands. If we want to find them attractive over and over, we need to make them our standard for physical attractiveness.
- Have technology free time. My husband and I run our own business and it’s easy to work way too much. The allure of the never ending news streams and news feeds can quickly suck us in and we end up missing tons of our actual life. So tech free time is important. I am loving having my phone on silent most days all day and I try to interact with it when I want not when someone else wants.
- Self care. I can’t say that I ever really *got* self care. When we had one kid, I worked full time. When we had 2 kids and I was at home, I started a blog and chose to attend a weekly Bible study instead of turning my children into violin prodigies. When we had three kids, I started working on my blog one full day a week. It wasn’t until this 4th kid that I realized two things – self care isn’t a bad thing. And that I had been doing it all along without even realizing it. I just joined a gym and if you know anything about me it’s that the last place in the world I would frequent is a gym. People willingly sweat there. But I go a couple of times a week. And do you want to know my favorite part? A car ride that involves no car seats and listening to an entire podcast while playing Jeopardy along with the TV. Sure, the exercise is nice too. As long as I don’t have sweat. You can’t pour out of an empty jar. If you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel, you have to find ways to care for yourself, even if they’re small.
- Extend self care to your husband. Now I’m not saying to do this as a trick or a manipulator but we need to realize we’re in this together and if we’re in a tough and scraping the bottom of the barrel season, our husband most likely is too. So if you’re sensing your need for some self care, he probably could use some too. So suggest that you alternate Saturdays to do something that builds into each of you.
- Surround yourself with women who will support your marriage. Pretty much any place women gather can quickly become a place for women to bad mouth and put down their husbands and complain about all the things. You need women who will support you in your marriage. Who will encourage you and help you become a better wife. Find more women like that. I know it’s hard, so hard, to find good friends, who build us up and encourage us. But they are worth waiting for. Every time.
- Pray about sex. This might be the strangest one for you on the list. “You want me to pray about sex?!?” Yes. I know it can feel like a trite answer “pray” and the problem will go away. That’s not what I’m saying at all. What I’m saying is, pray, invite God into the situation with you, and let him do his good work. You may think this is the weirdest suggestion on this list, especially if it’s not something you’re already doing or have never even thought about doing. God absolutely cares about your sex life because he cares about you. So maybe it’s starting small with your prayer like “Help me be in the mood tonight” or by praying for your marriage in general and working your way up. But this is a powerful tool.
What are some of your favorite ways to transition from mommy-mode to hot-mama-mode?
I just read this and it was very encouraging! Self care for both partners stuck out to me. I’m pretty good at self care but my husband isn’t. I think I need to encourage him more in that in this busy season of our lives.
I love that you had the courage to write #16! Praying about sex in your marriage is absolutely critical. I’ve been married 4 years in August and the first 1 1/2 years of my marriage I wasn’t following Christ. When I began my walk with the Lord I realized I hadn’t been having sex with my husband at all but with other people in my imagination, adultery is what Jesus calls it. Matthew 5:27-28 so now, even 2 years later I struggle to keep my mind in reality during sex but when I pray the Lord helps me and He lends me His strength so my mind doesn’t wander. (You can even pray DURING sex!) I also make a point to pray that I’d be focused on serving my husband during our time together, this results in more enjoyment for the both of us. Be sure to pray for your husband’s purity of mind too, men are visual. In our society they are being absolutely hammered day in day out by temptation on all fronts, so we must pray for them as surely our adversary uses this to his advantage. So all that to say, I agree Leah, pray pray pray!