I was recently talking with someone who pointed out to me a harsh reality she was facing.
In 2010, she and her husband got married. Of their friends from college and high school, they were the first ones to say “I do.” That year, including their own, they had four weddings which they were invited to. Of those four couples, all of them are in some kind of ministry. All are believers. All participated in pre-marriage counseling. All of them did everything just right.
However, the harsh reality my friend has learned is that at least two of these marriages are having very serious issues, in one case, even have talked about divorce. No one can know what’s going on in their marriages exactly except for them, but it got her thinking. When she shared it with me, my mind started spinning.
And it hasn’t stopped.
I mean, I know in my head that the divorce rate is 50% but to see it so close like that is just breathtaking. And not in a good way.
This got me thinking about my interview to join Greater Impact as a blogger. The director of operations was to call me on the phone to talk with me, no big deal, about what was on my heart. And she had some questions that surprised me. One was “What do you think is missing from The Respect Dare that young wives need their own?”
My answer is what shapes what I do here and my approach. Nothing is missing or lacking or not applicable to young couples. The reality is that it all is.
But as young wives, we have this totally different vantage point on marriage. I think we half live on the fullness of the honeymoon period and half on our own ideas about marriage, right or wrong.
So I write this. I think about my daily life with my husband. Every day, I’m getting something wrong. So I apologize. And try to back up and look at it as a learning experience (or raw material for my blog) and keep moving forward.
I want this to be a place where Titus 2 women come together and lift up the young wives. Even if you are a young wife, you might have a unique experience that could impact someone here.
I know we feel like we’re so ready after pre-marriage counseling. And all the books. And our good families. And everything else.
But it isn’t just that.
Your marriage is a battle field for the enemy. And we have to realize that he wants to destroy our marriages.
We have to have people coming together to learn and support, from our place in life.
I’m glad you’re here. It makes me excited about what God is doing through this ministry.
Dare for today:
1. Why are you here? Why do you read this? Would you share?
2. Do you have encouragement for young wives? Would you share it?
Join with me today in praying for marriages.
I have been married for 5.5years now to my high school sweetheart and marriage sure wasn’t what i thought it would be. I thought i knew my husband, we had been together for such a long time i didn’t realise how many things about him i didn’t know. For a time i think i even hated him for not being who i thought he was. Adding kids to the mix didn’t help anything as we found out we have completely different parenting styles. It has sure been a struggle and the reason that i follow this blog. I first learned about being respectful to my husband when i read the book Love and Respect. It shone a whole new light on my marriage. I slowly but surely realised that i was so focused on my husband’s faults that i wasn’t seeing the good and amazing things about him. I also forgot all about my own faults and thought i was so much better then him. But i was being just as bad, if not worse and i was not being a good wife. I do not want to see my marriage fall apart so it is my aim to learn everything i can about being the wife that God wants me to be. One thing i have learned is that if you can work through issues together with God, you become so much closer and you create an even more amazing bond together.
There are times I wish Jesus had gotten married while he was here, just so we could have an example of how to treat our spouse when anger flares or some hurt is thrown against us (repeatedly). Jesus commands us to forgive but when it comes to marriage so many people, hurting people, declare enough is enough and choose to divorce. I’ve been married 7 years, together 12, and before I had a REAL relationship with the Lord I would think about divorce, almost at every conflict. Once I went to a lawyer to see how it would work, how much it cost, etc – this is when the Lord stepped in and revealed to me things *I* was doing in my marriage that exacerbated issues or caused them. I have never been the same.
I get a lot of remarks about how often I forgive my husband (non-believer), how many times I go to him and try to resolve the issues (he does not initiate any forgiveness, or talks on resolutions). Yes, it gets tiring. Yes I don’t always want to do it. But those few times I’ve sat and said – forget it, I’m not saying anything! The Lord graciously guides me, reminding me that he has my hand and stands by me as I talk with my husband.
Marriage is a difficult journey. It’s more difficult when you surround yourself with friends who constantly take your side and make remarks about how bad your husband is (we can do that thinking alone! We do not need others to help us with negative thinking). You need to surround yourself with friends who are able to correct you, guide you to step up, forgive (again!), and move forward to reconciliation. Even, even if you are the one who is always doing it. You and your husband are not on the same journey, regardless of his choices or actions (including hurtful insults), the Lord commands us to forgive, to love. Choose the friends you confide in wisely by choosing the ones that encourage you to work it out, offer helpful advice, and keep negative comments to a minimum. Be this type of friend to others!
Hi Erica. I share so many of your same frustrations. I too wish Jesus were married and I throw in the “and also had kids.” I think we share the added burden of not being able to talk about the One we love and share what we’ve learned or what He is doing in our lives. I can’t even talk about current issues because we aren’t on the same page there either. So, in my case, being a woman and having nothing to talk about with her husband is extra hard. I share with Tasha, in the comment above, being on different pages parenting too. But our problems, really, boil down to doing things God’s way or the world’s way and the two don’t mix. Just as God’s word says, light and darkness have nothing in common. I don’t know why God chose to save me after my marriage or why He has not also saved my husband, but I do know that He has me right where He wants me. He is refining me and, it’s painful, but I am eager to be the beautiful creation God wants to make me. He is growing me in many areas. I’m learning how to be content right where He has me, learning what it means to love unconditionally and how to do it, learning how to be silent and show that gentle and quiet spirit instead of talking about things that will make my husband mad, learning to find commonalities and how to spend time together without talking, learning Who to turn to in the hard times, learning more about my Savior and how much He loves me, and learning, through it all, to be loyal to my husband. It’s for help with all these things that I come to these blogs. It also helps to know that I am not the only wife with troubles and that even Godly marriages are not the perfection I imagine in my mind.
Thank you, Erica, for sharing about finding friends who don’t say negative comments, I’ll try to do better about that myself for my friends. I know for me it is really helpful to be heard about how hard things are. I don’t want someone to brush it under the rug and just be positive with me. It really is hard and I need that validated. Then I need them to stand me back on my feet, brush me off, help me adjust my armor of God, hand me my shield and my sword, and push me out into the fray again.
My encouragement to others would be that God has you right where He wants you. There is nothing that you can do to change your husband. (I know, I tried.) Only God can change him. We need to give that up. But, God has a plan for you in this. Remember Romans 8:28. “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” This time is for YOU. God wants to use this time in your life to change YOU. What can you partner with God to change in YOU today? Be that pottery on the potter’s wheel with me. What beautiful work of art does God plan on making you into? I can’t wait to be the kind, patient, loving, quiet spirited, at peace woman that God is growing me into. May God bless all of you on your journey to perfection.
Oh Grace2Give! We so relate. I love that. For many years (prior to having a relationship with the Lord) I sought out friends to talk to that would “husband-bash” with me, tell me I’m right, tell me he’s crazy, etc. Now I look to friends that can empathize with me, yet continue to guide me biblically. I love this that you wrote: Then I need them to stand me back on my feet, brush me off, help me adjust my armor of God, hand me my shield and my sword, and push me out into the fray again.
Yes that’s exactly what I need from my friends.
I recently prayed about why God has me on a different journey than my husband and he revealed to me that if we were saved at the same time, I would idolize him, I would seek answers from him and not Him. Wow. I see a few friends that are doing exactly that and I am thankful the Lord is giving me a chance to lean REALLY deep onto Him before saving my husband – one day he’ll get there! And truth be told He revealed that even if my husband were Christian, that doesn’t mean he’d actively work towards a relationship with the Lord (thus solving none of our relationship issues). I have definitely given that up to Him and it doesn’t consume me as it used to.
I am definitely a changed woman thanks to the Lord working in me. I love that. It’s encouraging and keeps me focused to keep going and continue making changes within myself. And more importantly, able to spread love and encouragement.
It’s such a revelation to realize that while joy is often a by product God didn’t give us marriage to make us happy but to make us holy. Those challenging people in our lives are heavenly sandpaper rubbing us (often the wrong way) and molding us into women who resemble Jesus a little more.
I fall into the older woman category of Titus 2. In choosing women to be your mentors and models, look to the characteristics of the older women from Titus 2–women intent on living a life that reverently honors God, doesn’t slander (especially family members like husbands, children and in laws) isn’t given to much drink and is able to teach the younger women. You cannot teach what you do not know and know well. I am grateful for this new generation of women rising up with a desire to do things God’s way. Thank you, Leah and ladies for discovering the ancient paths that God gave us for walking out our relationships. Thank you for not buying into the marred vision that the enemy has created that distorts marriage, family, faith, and submission into something unrecognizable by God’s standard.
Hugs,
The old one who’s been married for 38+ years
Erica and Grace2give… you nailed it for those of us with unbelieving spouses. And, Grace2give, sometimes i ask the Lord why He chose to save me post marriage and after having 2 children to add to the difficulty. I also have pleaded with God to please please please just save my husband already. But it is comforting to know that God is sovereign and God is in control and His timing is perfect. I definitely see some changes in my husband since I FINALLY gave my marriage and my role as wife up to Christ. God is working on both of us that’s for sure.
Erica made a great point about friends… be very careful about who you “vent” to about your husband. It isn’t just friends but family as well. I am not talking about a husband who is being abusive (THAT IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MATTER). generally speaking, when you are having issues with your husband, be careful you to talk to about it. In my experience, even well meaning Christian women can fall into the husband bashing trap. I find that it is even easier to fall into this with an unbelieving husband. Friends and even relatives mean well but they unusually only see your side of the story. I have had friend Christian friends- who have distanced themselves from me because of this. It is so so so important to have godly counsel and you will know it is godly because the advise will be completely Bible based… no edits no but your situation is different because you have an unbelieving spouse.
As with everything we are supposed to do in our lives… remember that you do what you do for God’s glory. When you have an issue or conflict with your husband, ask yourself how YOU can handle this in a way that will glorify the Lord? And before running to the first friend who will listen, spend time with God first. Sometimes I find that He will have the answer for me. And if I am unsure about what I should do, thankfully God has given me a godly mentor who gives me Biblical advise.
Marysheartisahome, I’d like to thank you for sharing about what kind of mentor to look for. What an encouragement to see that you have been fighting for marriage for 38 years!!
I’ve been married 25 years. And I’m married to a wonderful, thoughtful man of God!! But it STILL hasn’t been easy. I think Love and Respect (the book) and Respect Dare are shining vital truth on marriage relationships. Mostly because men are sooooo different from women, and what WE consider disrespect is sooo different from what HE might! I honestly believe that MOST wives don’t run around trying to be disrespectful….they just ARE (according to their hubbies) and thy don’t have a clue.
Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do…if you want to do it well. It means dying to self and serving another daily (for both partners). Sound familiar? In marriage, God uses our spouse to show us where we need work. My hubby and I call it “God’s most intense discipleship plan. ” God will use marriage to make us EACH more like Christ…if we’ll let Him. But it is painful like nothing else. But remember…when you go THRU conflict together and Work. It. Out. (With gentleness and respect)– God births new intimacy. Avoiding conflict only divides.
I have been married nearly 12 years. If you are still living in honeymoon land, I would encourage you to really analyze your daily life. Is there some area of your life it is difficult to talk to your husband about? Something your husband doesn’t react well or doesn’t want to talk about? What about your biggest weakness? (Housecleaning is mine, especially after I work all day!) Find all those tiny areas and start praying over them. Talk about them even though they are hard. Come up with a plan to do better. Find someone to hold you accountable. If you let these little minor annoyances grow and fester and never address them, you are asking for a big blow up later. It is okay for you and your husband to disagree about things! You may never agree on the best parenting technique (ours is constantly changing) the best kind of car to buy or the best activities to put your kids in. It is okay to disagree! Come up with a compromise plan. Fight fair, no name calling and never in front of the kids. And pray daily for your husband’s strengths and weaknesses and yours as well. I will be praying for all the young marriages out there and hope you will pray for mine too!
My strongest advice is to marry an ally, someone who truly shares your values, someone who uplifts you and honors you and truly desires to provide and protect. We have a whole world out there to take on, and to have to fight your way down the driveway is no way to start your day. Those who take up ministry in their most intimate relationships walk a hard road. You are in fact marrying his family and as you both age you will become more and more a reflection of the values you were raised with. His parents marriages, his siblings marriages all pour into how he will behave in marriage. Your upbringing and relationships with your parents will affect how you behave. Even in cases where couples go through premarital counseling, in all reality it’s usually glossed over as part of the required preparation for the wedding, a three meeting hoop to be jumped through rather than the a serious relationship tune up that it should be. Instead of the scrapbook questions like “do you plan to be faithful to your partner for life and remain married for life” and “do you feel God brought you together”; we need to be examining whether couples have the communication tool boxes they need. How will you communicate respect to your spouse. What makes you feel loved? Do you have a strong support network of Christian Families who can provide insight into your developing marriage and who can express objectively areas that you might not see and need to work on in your own behavior? What friendships might you need to put distance into if they appear to be influencing your relationship and your attitudes towards each other negatively, What are the signs of negative influence? We need to ask, who are your Titus 2 elders? To Love, Honor and Vacuum has a blog up about finding your family vision, and I think this really speaks to how we need to have a vision for our marriages. ( http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/09/vision-purpose-for-your-family/ ) That when we are in alignment with our vision, we are living ministry and giving back in ways that uplift our marriages. We have such great resources for building and strengthening our marriages in the Christian Communities, but we need to start getting young wives in touch with those networks of Angels in waiting who can show them where we have a societal conflict between civil marriage and secular marriage and guide them towards building their families rather than gratifying passing impulses. Eggerich, Roesner, Good Morning Girls, Women Living Well, Sisters of Sarah, Fascinating Womanhood – I’ll add the less faith based Danielle Crittenden who actually looks at how the sexual revolution (de-volution?) has shaped our satisfaction in marriage and how our communities can either support or detract from our feelings of security and safety in our relationships. Making the decision on who to marry is one that we’ve really muddied the waters on over the last few hundred years. Submission in marriage requires your full confidence in your spouses ability to chart the course and man the helm. It’s also got all the baggage of the generated fear of Victorian prudishness and the belief that refusing to pick up the sword and making our marriages political battlegrounds for a feminist front that we will never see or be acknowledged by, even when we martyr ourselves and our marriages on it’s flaming cross. I also STRONGLY encourage awareness counseling regarding the real dangers of alcohol be DEEPLY examined. Alcohol gives both false intimacy, and is an obstacle to developing true emotional intimacy. It takes away the mental process that we go through when we knowingly share confidences and it lowers those confidences to being common. It encourages reliance upon alcohol to then have intimacy, because you haven’t had to make those mental muscles that help us build trust strong. You haven’t had to screw up your courage and open the door, because you’ve used a substance that makes you not see the door. When it comes time to truly open the door and give over, when alcohol has been the habit, it is a thousand times harder. We’ve acclimated to finding intimacy at the bottom of a bottle rather than in two people who are spiritually naked to each other. The best advice I can offer is to let him in. On all fronts. Give over and let yourself be happy. Don’t sweat the small stuff and really, it’s all small stuff. You’re stronger than you know and stronger than you should ever have to be. Act like it.
Why am I here? To support a sister blogger, and to read her words. I always share. And I almost always comment! 🙂
Young wives – my advice to you is not what you may think advice should be. I want you to think about old dogs and puppies. Old dogs are trained, comfortable and know their way around your life. Puppies chew things, learn things the hard way and are always underfoot. Marriages are sometimes like that – to get to the comfortable stage you have to go through the awkward learning stages. Much like old and young dogs marriages require patience, love and an expectation of being surprised.
After 40 years of marriage my mother-in-law learned of a favorite food that her beloved never shared with her. 10 years in I found out that my hubby likes some things I never knew about. Instead of being upset at him for not sharing, I was happy to find out now, when I have room and time to learn something new.
Marriage is not an end point, or even a goal. It is a living relationship that changes and grows. And like any living thing if it is not tended and cared for it can die.
I have four spider plants in small pots. i moved and one of them got damaged and appeared to die. I was cleaning up and thought I should throw out that empty pot. I dug through the dirt and found a small bit of root had remained, and was budding. Deep in dry soil, forgotten that bit of plant was struggling to live, I thinned the soil and gave it water and sunlight. And glory be it grew!
Marriages are like that – they need tending, and care. And it can’t be you caring for him and he for you – it is the two of you caring, together, for the marriage. It is reciprocal and it is demanding and ever so rewarding.
My two biggest pieces of advice, besides doing the Love Dare and Respect Dare: BE GENTLE – always think first of help or harm. ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER’S BACK – don’t let friends, family, gossip or innuendo get between you.
I have been married almost 10 years (it feels crazy to say that!!). My husband and I have been through deaths, divorces (of his parents after 40 years of marriage and my dad to his 3rd wife), moves, job changes, drug addiction, 2 kids, hospitalization of 1 child, 6 dogs, 4 cats and a few other crazy events. God never said life would be easy, but He did promise to never leave or forsake us. My marriage is proof of this promise. I know without Him we would be divorced, the trials we faced seemed so overwhelming at the time. When I look back over the last 10 years I can clearly see God’s hand upon my life, even during the times Satan was trying to convince me otherwise. Our marriage isn’t perfect, my kids are feral at times and I am a hot mess but Gods grace and love has been proven over and over in our lives.
I participated in small group study that did the Respect Dare and highly recommend it to everyone. My friends and I found it changed our relationships with each other, our husbands, and our Heavenly Father. I also learned starting my day in prayer and Gods Word helps me handle the surprises (good or bad) my day have in store. I will praying for each wife touched by this blog❤❤❤
I’m here because in my two years of marriage and one year of dating/engagement to a funny, wonderful Christian man, somehow I lost myself. Not being comfortable saying no for fear of hurting my husband’s feelings, I over-gave– or rather, I gave a lot but often for the wrong reasons- not to grow in love but because of fear. I’m here because I try to control what other people think of me by being nice and agreeable, but in reality I’m angry and frustrated and I feel smushed down inside, like I’m not being myself. This is not Biblical submission; it’s a counterfeit. I’m hear to face my fears, to grow as a wife and moreover as a woman of God, to steer my heart toward my heavenly Father instead of idolizing my husband’s imperfect human love for me- to get my relationship with God back so it overflows onto my husband and others with the fruit of the Spirit and the love of God. I know God is using my marriage to develop patience in me while I learn to take my hands off my husband (figuratively speaking ;)!!) and let him learn to lead us, trusting God instead of myself or my husband to work out our differences, make corrections in our hearts, and guide us in the unique path he has for us as individuals and as a couple.