Dear Sexy, Beard-Sporting, Man of God,
I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I looked at your face. I mean REALLY looked at your face, studying you because I simply couldn’t get enough of you.
Oh, sure, I know your face. I might know it better than my own sometimes. The shape of your nose, where your beard has a grey patch, the scar on your temple from getting that cyst removed. This is the face I’ve known and loved for the last 8 years.
But tonight, I stared at it, wondering how long it’d been since I studied your face, or any part of you for that matter. Mostly I look at you, or maybe just take a glance, before my attention is diverted to a cry here, a yell there, or our Man Cub wiggling his way in between our legs.
So often I look at my own self, my own body, so critically thinking “Man, I am SO not the girl he married.” Three pregnancies in five years, extended breastfeeding, and the fact that I still can’t figure out how to enjoy working out means that my body doesn’t look familiar to even me some days. The stretch, the bulge, the give, the take are all so foreign to me.
And then, I look in the mirror, and sometimes I don’t recognize the girl standing there. Her eyes look so tired and her hair is almost always a mess. I remember that she used to look frozen in time at about 19 but that’s certainly not true anymore.
Tonight, though, it’s not about me and how different I look, how different I feel in my own skin. Tonight as I study your face, I see where you are different. I see the grey patch in your beard is getting bigger. I see the hair around the scar on your temple is starting to get a little thinner. And I see the gentle cracks and lines forming around your eyes.
What I could see is that you’re getting older, more wizened. That you are not the man I married. That you, like me, are no longer frozen at 19. But that’s not at all what I see.
The thinning hair reminds me that we’ve weathered some hard times these last 8 years. We’ve had our ups and our downs and still here we are, clinging to one another and to Christ as our only hope. It’s amazing to me that I’ve known you for 8 years when I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. And yet you’ve walked faithfully with me through so much. You’ve earned that thinning hair around your temples.
The grey patch getting larger in your beard reminds me that you truly just get better with age. You are a sexy, beard-sporting man now and you will be a sexy silver fox. I’m so excited to grow old with you.
The lines and cracks around your eyes remind me that you do everything deeply – you think deeply, you study deeply, you laugh, and love, and play deeply. Each of those lines reminds me how much fun we’ve had and how much we’ve laughed. You promised me an adventure when you proposed. And you’ve certainly delivered.
For years, I’ve been worried about me not being the girl you married. That somehow you’d be disappointed in who I with who I am today. But that’s a letter for another day…
Tonight, I’m realizing, maybe for the first time in a while, that you are also not the man I married.
The love you have for me and our children is present in your face as I look at you tonight. And I hope this reminds me to study your face more often, to see more of our life being added to it.
You are not the man I married.
And I love you even more for it.
kimberly says
What loveliness of words, for your husband.
Not just words , but truths about your husband,that you see , and share perspective.
Y’all seem interesting as a couple , as individuals as well, I’m sure.
Five to thrive was interesting to me, as well.
I have been married twenty-three years, and found it hard to write five things down each day, and I didn’t write five.
Odd,huh ?
Thank You, for what you do with the blog . So appreciated!!
Matt Heffner says
Hey Kimberly
First, this may come up as my husbands account. Our logins keep overriding each other. None the less. HI! I’m glad you’re here! 23 years of marriage is amazing. Praise God. Thanks for joining us for 5 to Thrive. Even if you didn’t get 5 a day or for 5 days, it’s something you can do over and over or until you get the lists finished.
I hope you saw the Making Marriage Matter eCourse which is continuation of 5 to Thrive. I hope you will check it out.
Leah
http://www.leahheffner.com/marriage-course/