A young wife stands at the door as her husband leaves for work. He slept in comfortably, while she packed lunches and cooked breakfast and made sure he was out the door on time. Of course, nothing went as planned. There was only enough bread left for one-and-a-half sandwiches, his work pants weren’t clean, and there wasn’t really enough coffee for both of them. Now, she needs to hustle so she can be on time too. She has to do errands, and pay bills, and look at paint samples, and cook dinner. It’s going to be a busy day.
During each of these tasks, something unexpected comes up. Her check engine light comes on while she is running errands, prompting her to stop at the mechanic – which takes an hour. The paint store has discontinued her color choice and doesn’t have anything similar so she is back to the drawing board. By the time she gets home – late – the meal she had planned to make for dinner she no longer has time for, so it’s frozen pot pies. She is exhausted.
Worse yet, during each part of the day, she has gotten more and more angry. “Why couldn’t my husband wash his own pants?” “How come he can sleep past his snooze but I’m up and at’em all by myself?” “Why doesn’t he just drink coffee at the office?” “Does he really need so many sandwiches?” “Why am I the one making his sandwiches?” “If my husband would drive my car once in a while, I wouldn’t have to worry so much when lights came on in the dash.” “If he had just chosen the paint color last week, when I told him to, maybe the paint store would have still had some.” “How come he never plans to cook dinner?” “How hard is it to make frozen pot pie?” “I bet he’ll stick me with the dishes while he watches the news.” “He better not even THINK about sex tonight…after everything he has done to me today…”
Why is the worst part how angry she’s gotten? Her anger and hurt is all coming from conversations she had with herself. She hasn’t spoken any of these feelings out loud. Instead, she is becoming a martyr in her own mind for all of the extra things she has done and had to go through. She has already had it out with him in her mind and he has come up short.
SHE is the one serving in this relationship, and no one is even offering to help.
It reminds me so much of Mary and Martha. The story of these two sisters is found in Luke 10. In five short verses, we catch a huge glimpse of God and how his ideas are different than our own:
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Now, I know, it’s pretty typical to look at this verse, and say, “Yes, I need to sit longer at Jesus’ feet.” And I’m sure we all do.
But I don’t think Jesus is mad at Martha for her actions. The Lord calls us all to different kinds of service and skills in his kingdom. He’s disappointed in her heart.
“Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things.” Sound familiar? The wife from the beginning of the post was definitely worried and upset about many things. She has stewed about them all day in fact. We don’t know how much time has passed from Jesus coming to Martha’s house, but I think it’s safe to think that whether the time was short or long, there was stewing going on. In fact the pot was about to boil over.
How had Mary chosen what was better? Her heart was right before the Lord. She was doing exactly what God had placed on her heart to do – just be in the presence of our Lord.
What the wife has forgotten is that her husband is doing what God has called him to – a different role from her own. She has forgotten that to silently stew over things gets her nowhere. She has forgotten that in order to truly be a servant, she must do everything to the glory of God and not worry about the rest.
I dare you today to ask God for the strength to be Mary – to listen to what he has for you to do. And if that means housework, volunteering, or meditating on his word – to do it with joy. I also dare you to pray right now that God would pull on your husband’s heart to be Mary as well. And to take joy in those differences.
In what areas do you find yourself being like Martha – feeling like a martyr instead of being filled with joy as you serve?
In counseling teens and their parents, we talk about the Cycle of Anger. Where only two things are actually visible: one person’s action, and your reaction. Everything else is a conversation in your own head. It’s impressive how we invent conflict and then come up with a solution where we are both victim and hero.
Jenn, that makes perfect sense to me! Thanks for sharing this.
This gives me a lot to think about, but I don’t know how to get to a point of being okay with things. We both work full time but it feels like all other responsibilities fall on me. I get up at 6 am to go to work and get our daughter off to school. He just started a new job where he goes to work at 11am and has “free” time in the morning. He gets home at 8pm and basically has “free” time at night. I get off at 3 or 4pm and have the rest of the day to clean, cook, take care of daughter, grocery shop, make lunches for the next day etc. Somedays, I don’t get to sit down til 8 or 9 at night. I try so hard to keep a good attitude, but I don’t know how to maintain it. He’s not a bad guy, he has ADHD so he doesn’t think of things or function like most men. He has to be asked to do things, but doesn’t always make sure he follows through even though he has agreed to do something. He does ask me to remind him of things, but then I feel like I’m getting to the point of nagging and if he doesn’t do something after I’ve reminded him again, it really starts to fester in me. I feel resentment alot of the times and don’t like it. I want to ask him to do things, but if I ask and he doesn’t do it, it makes me even more frustrated.
For the past year and a half he’s had a very stressful job that he was at 50 hours a week. I didn’t mind as much picking up most of the slack at home because of his situation, but now he works 40 hours a week in good environment and I just feel the resentment coming on.
I try to pray when I’m getting upset, and I may go a few days where it doesn’t bother me, then it hits me and I start having those conversations in my head and I start getting angry.
I know I need to figure out how to let him lead again, I know I’ve taken over the reins, so to speak, so I need to figure out how to let go and let him lead and help me.
Jean, I’m really glad you’re here! It’s a learning journey we’re all on. I hope you subscribe and continue with us.
Jean,
Leah has been so right about self talk. God hates murmuring and complaining even when it’s taking place quietly in our heart. Jesus set the example when He washed the feet of His disciples before they shared their last Passover meal together. Two of those feet were Judas’ who was already in the act of betraying Jesus.
Pray that God will open your eyes to a good time to share how overwhelmed you feel. Bring your husband back into your God ordained partnership called a marriage. Ask your husband if you can work out some strategies for him to take back over some areas of responsibilities and to share some of the other responsibilities in your home because you are exhausted and want to have time for him, yourself, and others and a good attitude to go with it. I nag on paper. I post lists and plans on the fridge. When Roy gets one done I write a little note of thanks and encouragement on the sheet.
Give your resentment to God and ask Him to show you what you can do to make things flow more smoothly.
When we respond in a loving way to the challenges in our life we are honoring Jesus and imitating His servant Spirit. On your own this is so difficult but ask Jesus for help and He WILL carry you.
Love and Hugs,
Mary
Thank you, Mary! That was really encouraging. I’ve often thought of how Jesus treated Judas, someone he knew would betray him, with love. My husband hasn’t betrayed me but thats such a good example of how we should treat others. hard to remember in the little moments of day to day stuff though.
Jean, I know exactly how you feel. Like you are doing everything while he relaxes at home. But I also know that these feelings can be so harmful! Just like you, I have been in charge of the household for so long and I need to learn to let my husband lead, even if that means that things don’t go perfectly!
Sara, Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
Jean
You are definitely not alone! We have have things and they are seem like they go on for days, weeks, months, years…and they are all but too much. That’s why I mentioned it was a journey – that wasn’t to dismiss you or blow past your comment, but because it is. One day, you will try one thing to be more respectful. The next day, something else. And you eventually, you will grow and your heart will change and you will see how far you’ve come.
Leah
Thanks Leah! Yeah, I’ve noticed how somedays its a decision to do something, then the next day its something else and I think you build on those things each time. Thank you so much!
Are you reading my mind? I do this way too often with people all around me. I think we as humans by nature have a tendency to try to “keep score.” We want everything to be what we see as fair and equal. But that’s just not the way it works. God didn’t design marriage to be a game we play against one another on separate teams, but we are on the same team. Someone once described it to me as it can’t be me versus you, it has to be us together versus the system (chores, finances, etc.). I think this mindset can be freeing. Thank you for your helpful perspective.
Kimber, I may be reading your mind. But that’s a lot of credit. “Fair” is something that hasn’t done us justice since we were kids. As a middle child, I struggle with fair a lot. However, God doesn’t say anything about fairness – as a matter of fact, in his parables, there are lots of time when people are not treated “fairly” – the last workers to get hired get paid the same wages; the son who runs away and blows his inheritance gets a welcome back party. And Jesus goes to the cross when he had no sin of his own so that he could take ours. Grace and mercy abound. It has nothing to do with “fair”. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
I’m pretty sure you just directly quoted me in the story above! This is one of my biggest struggles in marriage – the feeling of resentment when I feel like I’m doing all the work. Sometimes I really hate being “Martha” and would much rather be “Mary,” but somebody in our house has to keep it running so I often feel forced into the role of “Martha.”
But I love the perspective that God has assigned different roles to me and to my husband. I need to constantly chose to repect God and my husband and do my part for this family. And silently stewing is NEVER helpful!
Sara, I certainly didn’t MEAN to quote you, but I certainly used the conversation we had after MOPS that day about Mary and Martha as fuel for this fire. We are called to different roles and that’s not bad – it’s beautiful. We each have a characteristic of God to show off in complement to one another in our marriages – and it’s a beautiful thing. Albeit, not always easy.
You’re doing beautifully…
SUPER! LOVE this!