Dear Lord, Please Help Me Not To Screw This Up

2015 is my fifth Mother’s Day. It’s the fifth time that I get to look at my swollen baby-belly or my chubby-cheeked-cherubs (or both) and think “Wow. I’m a mom. How did this…When did this…But what if I….whoa. Wow.”

Because that’s been my basic thought process for the last five years. “Wow. I’m a mom. Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.” 

 

Ya know, I’ve been praying that prayer for years. This prayer certainly doesn’t make me a mother. For me though, I can see it woven into my story of how motherhood grew inside of me.

Like when I started asking God where He had work for me to do and I was reminded that motherhood is beautiful, precious, and important work.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

When I met my husband and I saw how much he loved his family and I knew he would be the most amazing husband and father.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

And we went through pre-marriage counseling and discussed “how many/how soon” which left me crying on the way home as I told my husband my biggest fear : not being able to have children. And he told me that if God was growing in me a desire to be a mom, then I would be a mom even if it meant never giving birth to a child.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

I had 100 students my first year of teaching. And that number only continued to grow. And there were a couple of crazy-special students who I got to see in a unique way through my class and even outside of class. And a lot of days I would say “It’s hard starting to be someone’s mom at 17” as I talked through home and family issues, encouraged, and let them know they were loved.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

Then there was my firstborn, and I wondered and thought and researched and discussed so many things. Rocking her at night I thought “If I really mess this kid up, we won’t know for years. And then there will be nothing I can do to fix it.”

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

And my second born, who in every possible way was so different from his sister which I always knew but it took me a while to learn how to act on that and through that. And I’ll always wonder about my stoic child.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

I don’t know how to be a mom to three kids at once. But here I am, 17 weeks pregnant. And my nesting has kicked in like it never has before and somewhere in my head I think things like “If I can just be ready for this baby it’ll all be fine.”

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.

The other day my 3 year old asked me what Mother’s Day was for. Not wanting to tell her that it was all about me I answered that Mother’s Day is a special opportunity for mommies to hug their kids a little tighter and remember how special it is to be a mom.

So to all my kids, the ones I gave birth to, and the ones I just love like a Mama Bear, I will think of you all this Mother’s Day. I will pray for you and let out a deep sigh.

Dear Lord, please help me not to screw this up.