This week, Dare 5, we’re talking about our big mouths and how they get us into trouble. Yesterday, I challenged all of us to think about how we could use our big mouths for something good – like asking questions.
Seriously, though, before you read today’s post, I think you need to read the one from yesterday. So click here, go read it, then come back. It’s ok, I’ll wait for you.
Oh good, you’re back! So as promised, I said I would tell you how I use this game to get my husband to talk more.
But before I do that, I want to remind you of a few ways that husbands (in general) are just different than us.
For one thing, what our husbands communicate about it different. Women have more of a relationship building communication and men tend to have more of a result building communication. I have no idea what this looks like for you. My husband gets drained from over communicating. And he works with a bunch of women who like to talk things to death. Sometimes when he gets home, he does NOT want to go through the nitty gritty of his day. It doesn’t produce any results. These are NOT the days to overrun him with questions but I also know that I can draw him out to have some of the relationship building communication I need.
Also, I think it’s so true when Nina says over and over that our husbands have about three friends and they want us to be our best friend. YAY! But ya know what, he is NOT our girl friend. He does not want to hear about every emotional up and down of every event and that’s definitely NOT how he’s going to talk to you.
If you keep those two things in mind plus what you obviously already know about your husband’s interests, getting him to talk shouldn’t be too difficult.
No, I’m serious.
Let’s start with questions from The Birthday Question Game (#TBQG).
Birthdays seem easy because you have one a year and they always seem to have some sort of memorable quality. Cassie (our guest inspiration) can keep the birthday guy or gal talking for hours. I’ve seen it. Here are some solid birthday questions:
-What was your favorite birthday? What happened?
-What was your least favorite birthday? What happened?
-What was one of your favorite gifts you ever received? Do you still have it?
-What did you do last year?
-What’s your ideal birthday celebration?
-What is your most memorable birthday?
And variations on these questions like making a Top 3 or Top 5 list for any of them.
So how did #TBQG change how I talked to my husband?
So let’s go back to when I realized that my husband was a good listener because I never shut up. And decided to let him talk.
He did NOT just talk on his own. As I said above, men don’t tend to communicate that way. Of course there are exceptions and things that look differently along the whole spectrum of how men are. I happen to be married semi-introvert who I had been talking over for three years. He wasn’t just going to magically start filling in the silence.
And “how was your day?” wasn’t going to cut it either. I needed to ask questions.
Let me tell you what DIDN’T work: questions like “O tell me what you did from 1-2” and “What did you talk about on the phone with your mom? You were on the phone for like 20 minutes, so didn’t you talk about a lot more?” “O my goodness, don’t you think that Tony and Ziva should SO end up together? I mean, what do you think about the chemistry progression in the last 14 episodes?”.
Nope. Nada. No way. Those are all ways I would start a chat with my sister, mom, or girlfriend. I want to talk about these things. I do. So these may be subjects for someone else. Does this mean that my husband should NEVER listen to something that’s important for me to talk about. No. But if I want him to talk more I need to ask about things he cares about.
So on a night when he isn’t completely dead from work, on a night when you aren’t in a hurry to do anything else, when you are ready to really listen and work on building questions try this:
“Hey honey, would you tell me about your day?” Eye contact. Stop what you are doing. Touch his arm.
“Wow, three meetings? Were any them about that project you told me about last week?” Remembering something he said.
“O, you’d like to start a business? Why don’t you tell me about that. Do you mind if I cut the dinner vegetables while you talk?” (And if he says “yes” he minds, don’t cut them.)
“So your boss said thank you for what you did on that project? How did it make you feel?”
And if he isn’t much of a talker, try “What was one way you felt really blessed/respected/great today?”
It’s really not super hard if you listen to him, and make him the center of the conversation. The rule I put in place for myself when I first started this was that I would not share about my day until he asked. I know there were days he didn’t ask. Were my feelings hurt? Yes. But was that the point of this exercise – to point out his flaws in conversation? No. It was to get HIM to talk about himself and for me to listen. And this means I can’t fill every space or gap with something else. He will talk slower and less frequently and I need to wait.
I have learned over three years of practice that there is one topic I cannot get my husband to shut up about. If I really want to affirm him, show him that I care and want to listen to him, I bring up that topic and ask a lot of questions (No ‘Why’ questions though because they feel like a challenge plus it’s a great way to challenge yourself to think of other things to ask.)
And, like you, I’m sure my husband has topics that I would LOVE to know more about and he doesn’t seem to share no matter how many questions I ask. This is when I use my other rule which is to just be. One Sunday morning, we were laying in bed. We only had one kid and she was asleep. We had no reason to hurry. So I didn’t. I just laid there with him. And he shared things with me I had never heard in 5 years together. But he needed his time, space, and chance. And I just used my good listening skills to learn more about him.
This takes practice. The more kids you have the less wait time you have. I have to remind myself to shut up almost daily. But it is beyond worth it in the results – getting a chance to be my husband’s biggest cheerleader and best friend.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
So ready, big dare this weekend. TRY THIS! PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. Set a timer if you have to. Use some of my rules. They aren’t copyrighted. Give him time and space to share with you as you get to know him and listen to him more. And then practice some more. This is not a one day dare, but an opportunity to grow your marriage over time. Enjoy it!
And then, share your results with us here!! We can’t wait to see what you do! We’re all on this journey together and I know there are many women who would love some encouragement!
This is my second or third attempt at the respect dare. One time I went on a spring break trip and was working this dare. I’m a teacher with a speech degree so I am a talker. So on this trip I tried to be quiet. And when I’m quiet I often appear mad, probably because the change alone makes people feel uneasy. So we are at the zoo and my husband gets mad and asks why I’m being so difficult to get along with. Trying not to tell him I’m doing the respect dare, I silently request the Lords help on this and I kid you not, a bird immediately pooped right on his head! He forgot all about me for a minute. As we drove back my mind began to just chalk it up to the fact we were at a zoo. A couple hours later we were at our campsite and he was sitting and barking orders. I couldn’t finish the first thing without him piling another one on. I was not going to argue. I was just mentally listing and marking off. And he pulls the why are you so hard to get along with and as he finished his question, another bird pooped on him. I felt like God had my back.