Even if you’ve only been with your husband for a relatively short amount of time, chances are you have a topic that comes up for you time and time again which is tense, difficult, and causes problems. Unfortunately, some of these problems seem to erode the foundations of our marriages without us even realizing.
Tori and Tim have been together – dating, engaged, and married – for over a decade. And the one thing that keeps popping up for them as a problem is family – namely, their in-laws. They both have history and problems with their in-laws. And it certainly has caused for some tense discussions and arguments at home.
Recently, Tim asked Tori to spend a few extended weekends with his family for various events. Normally, this would have been an argument ending in hard feelings and grudges. This time, however, Tori decided to honor her husband’s wishes. When he asked her to make the trips and take the time, she asked what his motivation was. When she learned that it was a desire of his heart that his kids spend more time with extended family, she decided to respect those wishes.
I wish I could tell you next that her husband, being totally in tune with what she was doing, ran to her, kissed her, and thanked her for giving him the respect he longed for, but I can’t. Respect isn’t a magic pill. It won’t make your husband act differently/perfectly immediately (or maybe not for a very, very long time).
So what happened next? Her husband picked up the same old argument. He brought up years of the back and forth they had had over their hurts and misunderstandings.
Respectfully, she did not fight back. In this instance, she chose to hold her tongue. Her husband ended up having the conversation with himself. Did the comments hurt her any less? No. But she chose to react differently. A peace filled her as she listened to that still, small voice directing her to do something different.
And this will start a better habit for the future – a better habit that will hopefully lead to dialogue instead of arguments, to understanding and changed perceptions in this area, but also in many others.
Proverbs 15:1, 4, 18
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The soothing tongue is a tree of life,
but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
The Lord is with you in forming new habits that are pleasing to Him. He is with you when you hold your tongue over breakfast and when you sing your husband’s praises to your mom on the phone. Don’t be discouraged because your husband doesn’t change. Only God can change him. And that will be a beautiful transformation indeed.
Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Dare you to write down an argument you’ve had over and over with your spouse. Then write down 3 different ways that you can respectfully do something differently the next time the subject comes up. Then pray and ask God how he would like you to proceed.
I would love for you to share how respect has changed an interaction with your husband. Or how encouragement from a sister in Christ helped you to see a situation differently.
Leah, this is very relevant. One of the first things I learned about changing things around in a relationship or a marriage is to expect resistance from the other person. This may not be easy to believe, but we get stuck in those arguments and disempowering patterns because they somehow serve us. In a twisted way, they feel safe. So Tim’s reaction was completely natural and to be expected. He was trying to lure Tori into the old, familiar pattern of fighting. She did just the right thing, and over time he will learn to feel comfortable in this new order of things and will appreciate her more for it. It’s just a matter of having patience and waiting (respectfully) for him to adjust.
Laura, I completely agree! Many of us struggle with accepting the change in someone’s actions and personality because it so unexpected. And, for better or worse, we test people to see if the change is real – especially in those closest to us. I also agree that she did a great job and I know God will use this to speak to both of their hearts. Thanks for being here.
Leah